What do we do now?

We ask this question to ourselves every day.  Each day seems like its own mini-battle.  We wake up and basically do what we have to in order to get through another day without Lila.  I started working half days but don't feel comfortable enough working full days yet.  Partly because it's a struggle for me but also I don't like leaving Jenny home alone for too long.  She was going to stay home and take care of Lila while I worked.  

We struggle finding ways to get through each day and are running out of distractions.  Laughter comes out more but it is almost always accompanied with guilt.  Everywhere we go we get glimpses of the life we should have had with Lila and of the memories we never got to make with Lila.  When I run errands and see families interact, I feel at times that people don't understand how good they have it.  This may not be true but if they had a window to my soul I bet they would hold their kids a little tighter.  I feel like I have a grimace on my face when I go to the grocery store and sometimes I wonder if I look deranged.   

This new life of ours is unbelievably tough and unfair.  It's so hard to know what to do when we can't even plan dinners for the week.  We can barely make it to the next time we sleep, which seems like the only break from living without Lila.  It's so hard to begin to move on when all we want to do is go back to when Lila was still here. - Mike