My friend, Holli, told me earlier this week that she had been told before that sometimes the buildup to a holiday is worse than the actual holiday when you are dealing with grief. That is probably true. It might even help explain why this week has been one of the worst I have had yet. I cannot comprehend this life we are living now anymore than the day we were told Lila was not going to ever come home with us.
I always wanted to be a mother. More so than I think anything else in my life. I am not working right now, probably because having a career never was that important to me. I gave it all up to try and get pregnant and then carry Lila to full term as healthy as I could. I loved the kids I babysat like they were all little brothers and sisters and hanging out with them was usually more fun to me than work. I wanted to get married of course, but when I was little I mostly focused on what my husband and I would name our kids and not how we would plan our wedding. I think most of my high school friends at one point in my life called me Mom for acting too motherly back then as well.
This Mothers Day is just another reminder of what we have lost. I would have traded my own life for Lila to have been able to live hers. People can call me a mother all they want and it is nice to hear sometimes, but it is not the same. I wanted to hear Lila call me her mother and I never even got to hear her first word.