I don't know who came up with the saying, "time heals all wounds", but what a dumb thing to say to someone who has lost an infant. As these past few weeks have gone on, things have seemed to be getting worse for us. Maybe the reality of the situation is hitting us or that too much time is passing since we last saw Lila. It might be that people go on with their lives, as they must, and we are not surrounded by all of the people we once were when we first lost her. It could be that, no matter what anyone says no one is able to bring Lila back to us and time is not going to change that.
I suppose time would help in the healing of minor things like losing a job or breaking a bone. A bone would heal and there is always another job to be found. Time would also help in the grieving of losing an elderly parent or grandparent. We all know that everyone dies at some point, we just do not know when or how. Though when you lose someone who has lived their life, that understanding gives you that peace of mind. They probably got married, had a career, had children, and maybe even had grandchildren. There is of course sadness, but you can remember the happy times and knowing they had a good life.
Time is not healing for us. Every moment of every day is time that we should have had with LIla. Everywhere we go is somewhere she should have gone with us. I have lost some people in my life, but I can at least look back on memories I had with them. Things I did with them and conversations we had. I can see pictures of them laughing and smiling and enjoying life. But we did not get to have any of that with Lila. We never got to take her home. Every moment in her life was one of the greatest moments of ours, but that was because she was there. Sadly it was also filled with uncertainty as to what was going on and then tragedy as we knew we were going to lose her. Time cannot heal the fact that these should have been the happiest moments of our lives. We had planned a future for her and with her. We have to now force ourselves to try and think of other things or the grief is just too overwhelming. Every baby and child we see reminds us of the life that was stolen from her and from us.
No matter what happens to Mike and I over the course of our life nothing is going to make this better. We could go on to win millions of dollars in the lottery. We could travel to every country in the world. We could have more children one day. It does not matter. Our lives have been forever ruined. There will always be an overwhelming sense of loss in our hearts. Everything about us is now changed. We were shown the greatest love and then the greatest tragedy all within eight days. We are not and we never will be the same people we were before we lost Lila. This tragedy has forever changed us. I do not know how people will react to that, but I also do not care.
Lila is not here and she should be. She will always be missing and there is nothing time can do to change that.
It's hard to not sound so depressing all the time but today has been a rough day and this is just the truth. - Jenny