Feeling

So a few days before Lila was born, our computer got the blue screen of death.  I didn't have a chance to go and have all of our data copied from the hard drive until after the day we buried Lila.  I took the computer to Best Buy because we needed some information off of it to use for her Memorial Mass.  So best buy had issues and couldn't get me the data off of my hard drive until 4 days after Lila's Memorial Mass.  Fail #1.  I am  just now getting around to checking to see everything that was pulled off of it and it looks like most of our documents did not make the cut.  Fail #2.  I was now getting worried that all of the pictures that we had stored on the computer were lost as well.  Luckily, I checked and I think all of them are there.  I was looking at some of the most recent ones we downloaded and they were of a pregnant Jenny holding onto Lila in her belly.  She looked so happy.  You could tell the look of joyful anticipation in her eyes, just a few short weeks and she would get to meet her beautiful Lila.  These pictures hurt to look at now.  I miss seeing Jenny so happy and it's still hard to contemplate that these moments are our new reality.

If you've ever wondered what we might be feeling, the only possible way that I can explain it is that we are riding the wave.  I've heard this before but didn't really understand what it really meant until now.  It's like a wave not only because of the ups and downs but more so because when you go from an up to a down, sometimes the wave falls and just crashes on you pushing and holding you down.  This is on top of the constant pit that I feel in my chest.  I expect that as time goes on, these types of waves will get farther spaced out but I still expect to have them.  - Mike