Last full day

When Lila's birthday comes around, we can't help but to think about where we were and what was happening on those days.  February 7th was the last full day that we had with Lila.  It was the day after we found out the horrible news and the day before she died.  It was a somber day but our goal was to spend every minute of it with her.  The nurses got her handprints and footprints for us and we got them in clay as well.  I specifically remember how hard I had to push on her little feet to get them into the clay.  They were turning white because I had to push so hard.

Today we didn't do much.  I took this picture of the sunset through one of our windows.  It was a pretty pink and I love how you can see the color through the Lila stone.  I don't know if this is true but on days like this, I like to think this is Lila communicating with us.  Even if that isn't true, it feels good when something unexpected like this happens during a day that is difficult for us. - Mike

Happy 2nd Birthday Lila!

Happy 2nd Birthday Lila, our sweet precious princess. I cant believe its been two years since we woke up on the morning of January 31st and thought "I cant believe Lila decided she wanted to be a January baby and not a February one like we thought she was going to be." Lila, you allowed us to become a Mommy and a Daddy. You are our first true love and we would have done anything to keep you here with us.  

Sweet Lila, we miss you so much. Time has gone by but life without you is so difficult. Our hearts have grown since Eve was born but there are still (and always will be) pieces missing. Your little sister has been so amazing these past seven months and we can tell that she loves us and knows us so well. We just know that she would feel the same way about you. Eve is doing so much and you two would have been so connected right now, although I can picture you getting annoyed with her from time to time. It kills us that you and Eve will not get to meet each other and be best friends. You would be a grade apart in school and we can envision the two of you doing everything together. Eve doesn't know everything about you yet and our hearts break again and again knowing that she will grow up without the leadership and love of her big sister. 

This past year we've gotten Lila stone pictures from the 50th state (North Dakota) and the 7th continent (Antarctica) which is unbelievable. We were floored when we got them because even though they are just pictures, they show just how many people you have touched. You are such an amazing little girl and we know that you would have touched just as many people in all that you would have done in your life. We promise that we will always honor you and your memory on this day every year. We love you and miss you so much, sweet princess.  

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Frozen in time and moving forward

As Lila's second birthday approaches, there are some similarities but it definitely feels different.  There is still the shock that it has been two years since she was born.  But it is starting to feel like it happened to someone else, that the memories that I have are those of someone else.  It's a weird and unfamililar feeling.  

We are getting farther from Lila but we now have Eve in our lives as well.  She has been the best form of therapy for us these past 7 months.  She brings us so much happiness each day and we know her so well.  I wish that we got to know Lila that well.  We knew her the best of anyone and yet we didn't get to know her enough.  I can remember the first time I saw her and the first time I held her during her first bath.  Earlier I said it feels like losing Lila feels like it happened to someone else and maybe that is partly true.  Part of me lives in Lila's memories, frozen in time, and part lives each minute, hour and day with Jenny and Eve. - Mike

More Antarctica

We got more of the pictures from Antarctica today and wanted to share them. I cannot ever put into words what these pictures mean to Mike and I. Can you imagine that we have a Lila stone picture from here? I did not ever know people could go to Antarctica to travel and yet here we are with pictures to prove it. Things like this are what make me the most emotional really. All of these people who have stones or have sent pictures were in someway touched by Lila. Our precious little baby. Now she's seen Antarctica and the penguins which we know she would have loved. 

Having an almost two year old

I was talking with a co-worker this week at lunch one day.  He asked how Eve was doing and I couldn't help but to start going on and on about how Eve is the best baby and she is so smart and doing so much.  I talked about how much she likes rolling and how she will grab anything within her reach.  

He responded by saying just wait until she is two and she will be running around ruling the house.  He is a nice guy and asks about Eve from time to time, which I appreciate. But in my head I kept saying I should have a two year old.  I should know what it is like to have a two year old running around ruling the house.  Comments like this really hit me.  To the rest of the world, we don't have a two year old but I still feel like we do (or like we should).  This is a glimpse into our lives as people who don't fit into the norms of society.  There are everyday situations that have the potential to be very upsetting to us, even if it is not obvious since we hide it better now.  

It is still so shocking that Lila is not here and it has been almost two years.  We miss her so much. - Mike