This past year

This whole past year was a complete lie. Nothing that happened means anything anymore. It was all a lie.

Everything with Lila was always good. Every ultrasound. Every doctors appointment. Every heart rate check. Every blood test done on me. Every kick. Every hiccup she got. Everything was always good.

We had no forewarning that something was going to go wrong. We had no idea. We were not prepared at all. We never saw it coming. 

We were told so many times to "get ready" for a having a baby in our life. We bought her things, we made plans, we involved other people in the planning. We imagined our life with her in it. We had baby showers, we had baby registries, we got rid of old things and bought new things for Lila. We have so many things for her from clothes to binkies to bottles and hair bows. We were so ready for Lila. We were so happy because of her.

We were not ready for this. Nothing matters anymore without her. I was going to put pictures up from the last year, but I couldn't even look at the pictures from my baby shower before I broke down and lost it. I cant even think back on this past year because the pain is too great.

Why did it have to be Lila? Why couldn't she have just been healthy like they always told us she was? Why isn't she just here with us where she belongs?