I went to the All Souls Day Mass today for Lila with my brother-in-law. That was the first time that I've been in that church since I gave Lila's eulogy at her memorial mass. It was tough being in there. A lot of memories were coming back of that mass and the memorial that followed. It was almost 9 months ago, but I can vividly remember so many things as if it were just last week. I remember seeing certain people there, the cookies at the memorial and I remember how seemingly calm I was when I gave Lila's eulogy, which shocked many people but I think Lila helped me though it.

When I first got there I went to find the picture display that they had set up. There were about 20 pictures on display of those who died this year. As you can see below, they placed Lila's picture right next to the picture of Jesus. I had the feeling that the worker that set it up saved that place for Lila since I don't think anyone else in this church had lost a baby this year. There were a few other ladies who are active at that church that came up to me and gave me a hug which is a comforting feeling knowing that Lila has touched their lives.

During the mass I was trying to find meaning and answers in the readings and homilies but I knew that the answers I want weren't going to be revealed today. There was a nice candle lighting ceremony right before communion. When they called Lila's name we went up, got a candle and placed in this wooden cross that was filled with sand. It was neat to see all of the candles like that. The woman that was handing out the candles was at Lila's memorial and has since become closer with us. She was visibly upset when she saw me walking up and sort of met me half way. It was a nice gesture that no one else got.

Being there made me want to tell the others that were there about Lila. People were sobbing at times and I obviously know that losing someone close is tough and painful. But part of me wanted to tell everyone there about Lila and how she missed out on her entire life. I didn't want to say that to compare my loss to theirs but to perhaps change their perception and give them a greater appreciation of the time they had. It made me miss Lila and it was upsetting but as I left, I felt glad that I went and felt just a little closer to Lila today. - Mike