What happened to Lila

We created a new page on the website, the "About Us" page.  You can see the new link at the top of the website.  It took us a while to write this because it was difficult and emotional and because we wanted to make sure we didn't miss anything.  I linked our Caring Bridge website in the "About Us" page as well and it is basically a journal of what we did the days Lila was alive and what we were going through at that time. 

Please read this new page to learn more about Lila's story by either clicking on the link at the top of the page or the one below. Thanks. - Mike

Lila's Birthday Surprise

Today had all the makings of one of the worst birthdays of my life.  It didn't start well.  Jenny wrote a very touching post that I read right before I went to work and all I wanted to do was hold Lila.  I planned on taking a half day at work so I could spend more of the day with Jenny.  On my way home, I blew an obviously red light and happened to do so in front of a cop.  He pulled me over a mile down the road and I was cursing myself.  I thought of how great my 32nd birthday was turning out.  He asked if I knew why he pulled me over.  I mentioned the red light and the officer said that it was green for him so he knew it was red for me.  I told him it was my birthday and that today was not going well because Lila was gone.  He let me off and told me to be more careful out there.  So I think Lila pulled a few strings for me there.

The afternoon was uneventful.  Did some housework to pass the time.  My mom came into town and took us out to dinner in Market Square.  We went to a nicer restaurant and it wasn't too crowded.  About halfway through dinner, Jenny spotted someone at the entrance that she thought looked like Sidney Crosby.  I looked and, at first, thought it wasn't him, not at a restaurant we go to.  The guy was wearing a hoodie and a black hat. He was with a friend and sat at the bar about 15 feet from us.  Jenny and I were looking at him and eventually decided it was him, with about 95% certainty.  I had to go up to him.  It was my birthday.  Jenny had a spare Lila stone.  It was too perfect.  I got up the nerve, walked over and said "Hey Sid,  my name is Mike."  He was apprehensive at this point because he probably had no idea what I was going to do or say.  I said "I just wanted to wish you good luck this season."  I pulled out the Lila stone and said "Our daughter died in February and we had these stones made with her name on them.  They are meant to bring people good luck and I wanted you to have one."  He warmed up a bit and said thanks and that was nice.  He put the Lila stone in his pocket.  I can't remember if I shook his hand or not as I left but Sid the Kid has a blue Lila stone in his possession.  This made my day.  We talked about what we'd do if we saw someone like Sid but never thought we'd actually see him in person.  I didn't take a picture with him because no one else really noticed who he was and I didn't want to blow his cover because he deserves his privacy too.

This birthday could have been horrible but I have a feeling that Lila pulled at least a few strings for me to make this day bearable and memorable for me.  We called some friends who are fans and it was fun telling them our experience.  It's still crazy that we actually ran into the classiest Pittsburgh sports star.  It made my 32nd birthday very memorable and special.  Thanks for looking out for Daddy, Lila. - Mike

 [Below is a picture of me holding the blue Lila stone right before I gave it to Sid.]

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Mike turns 32

Happy 32nd Birthday to my wonderful husband and Daddy to Lila. It was too painful for me to go into a store and buy a card so this is what I am doing instead. 

Last year when I made Mike red velvet pancakes for his birthday breakfast, he asked if Lila could eat them with him this year, the answer is still a big no, but she should be here watching him eat his now. We talked a lot about how I would probably buy Mike the "typical" gifts that kids get their Dads over the years and he would be forced to like them no matter what. Even though Lila would have only been a baby I still probably would have taken her to the mall to hold her above the ties and then see which tie she "touched" and figuring she picked it out for him bought it as his gift.

In the 8 days that we had Lila, Mike and Lila were closer than I ever thought possible. They bonded the second that she kicked him when I was 20 weeks pregnant and it only grew stronger from that point on. He told me again the other day of how he felt when he first saw her after she was born and how he could not believe that his perfect little being was his. He said he stared at her for a long time and she was a million times more adorable than he could have ever imagined. He made the best of the most impossible situation and did everything in his power to make sure Lila was as safe and comfortable as possible. She seemed more at ease when he was around and she always opened her eyes only when he was there to see her. When I could not leave the hospital room he went down there as often as possible to see her and told me that he just talked to her and told her all the things he loved about her. He also told me that they had their own things to talk about that he could not share with me because it was just between them. 

Most people know Mike as the baseball player, mechanical engineer, runner, occasional math nerd (haha) or simply as Jenny's husband, but he is so much more than those things. He is a courageous and honorable person. He is selfless and would have done anything for Lila just like he does so very much for me. He is patient and honest and will probably be a little embarrassed that I wrote all of this for you all to read. He can figure anything out and does not let anything stand in his way. He is kind and caring and always present, he puts me first always and did so for Lila too. He is an amazing husband, the best I have ever heard of, and a wonderful father to a baby he should have gotten to share a lifetime with.

Happy 32nd Mike, Lila and I love you. -Jenny

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Lila Stones and Website Update

So this is a little update on the website.  Currently we have over 500 hundred pictures on the website.  Amazing!  We had so many pictures on the website that the gallery could not handle them all.  One day last week, half of the pictures disappeared and we started to freak that we lost them.  Luckily we didn't lose them but we had to reorganize the pictures into several galleries.  If you hover the mouse over the "Lila's Stones" link at the top of the page, you'll see the three galleries that we organized the pictures into.  Please let us know if something seems out of place or is overly confusing and we'll try to fix it.  We'll likely be adding several pictures that we've accumulated while we had these issues and will be tweaking the website as well over the next several days. - Mike 

Work

The past few weeks at work have been gradually getting better for me.  I've started to use some of the weekly planning techniques that I used to do before Lila was born.  This has helped me feel a little more productive.  Although I use the word 'better', I don't mean 'good', I mean 'not as bad'.  I still get lost when I look at Lila's pictures and think about her life and how much I miss her.   

In using these techniques, I was looking back at my calendar in the months before Lila was born to remember how I implemented them.  Of course I saw all the notices for doctor's appointments and the baby planning classes we took.  I made notes to myself to take care of an issue with Lila's crib.  I also noted to myself to determine how we would start saving for college and how to save more money in general.  This was difficult and just reminded me of how prepared we were for Lila.  We took a baby CPR course and were only going to use natural baby soap for her baths.  We wanted Lila so badly that it's still, after all this time, shocking that she is gone.  It's ridiculous how much our life has changed since last year when we were fully occupied in planning for Lila's arrival. 

These reminders pop up every day and getting through each day is a small victory.  The deep sadness seems to come in waves though.  There will be stretches in that everything seems to be fine but there always is the crash of the next wave.  Lila gave my life and work purpose and meaning.  Those two things left with Lila and just exist as voids right now.  Maybe something as small as doing some of the things that I used to in order to better my production is a small step towards finding a new meaning in my life as the bereaved father that I am. - Mike