The past few weeks at work have been gradually getting better for me. I've started to use some of the weekly planning techniques that I used to do before Lila was born. This has helped me feel a little more productive. Although I use the word 'better', I don't mean 'good', I mean 'not as bad'. I still get lost when I look at Lila's pictures and think about her life and how much I miss her.
In using these techniques, I was looking back at my calendar in the months before Lila was born to remember how I implemented them. Of course I saw all the notices for doctor's appointments and the baby planning classes we took. I made notes to myself to take care of an issue with Lila's crib. I also noted to myself to determine how we would start saving for college and how to save more money in general. This was difficult and just reminded me of how prepared we were for Lila. We took a baby CPR course and were only going to use natural baby soap for her baths. We wanted Lila so badly that it's still, after all this time, shocking that she is gone. It's ridiculous how much our life has changed since last year when we were fully occupied in planning for Lila's arrival.
These reminders pop up every day and getting through each day is a small victory. The deep sadness seems to come in waves though. There will be stretches in that everything seems to be fine but there always is the crash of the next wave. Lila gave my life and work purpose and meaning. Those two things left with Lila and just exist as voids right now. Maybe something as small as doing some of the things that I used to in order to better my production is a small step towards finding a new meaning in my life as the bereaved father that I am. - Mike