Being Called Mom

I am not called Mom enough. That is one of the many gut wrenching parts of losing your only baby I suppose. No one calls you Mom.

When Lila was here for 8 days the nurses and doctors would call me Mom or Mommy. My family and friends and Mike would say it to me on Lila's behalf too. Things like "she wants her Mommy" or "her Mom is going to change to her diaper." After she died some people said it to me a few times, such as "you were such a good Mom to her" or "Lila was lucky to have you as her Mommy." It was nice, and comforting, but it wasnt enough. 

When I was in high school and most of my friends were getting part time jobs, I was always more comfortable babysitting. It was teaching me how to take care of kids and that is what I wanted to do. Ask any of the kids I have babysat in the past and they will tell you we all have a special friendship and I care about them all very much. In college I picked up a few babysitting jobs on the side too. Even when I began my career as a patient advocate I was never as career driven as a  lot of other people I know. It has never appealed to me to have a job become my life's ambition, I always knew I wanted a family more than anything else. I wanted to be someone's Mom.  

I only got to call my own mother "Mom" to her face for seven years. Seven short years of being able to say those words to my own Mom and hear her respond to me before cancer took her away. I know how important it is to have your Mom in your life and I wanted to be that for Lila. 

I thought all of my dreams had been reached with Lila, I thought my years of longing for a baby of my own were finally over. I would spend the rest of my life being a Mom to Lila. That is what was supposed to happen. Not this of only having those dreams answered for 8 days and then taken away again. 

I realize people say that I will always be her Mom and I know this is true but it is not enough. I wanted to get to live as her Mom though as she grew up and I wanted to hear her call me Mom to my face.