Living two lives

Sometimes when Jenny and I talk about Lila, we talk about what she would be doing in a given situation. Would she get upset at how loud the vacuum cleaner is or how would she react to all the mangy deer in our back yard? We would imagine that when she gets upset, her lower lip would start to quiver a little before she began to cry. Talking like this brings us some enjoyment but it just highlights what we don't have. The other aspect of this is that it makes me feel like we are living two parallel lives. One where we go about each day as a survival mission, trying to live when our baby has died. The other is this one we talk about, where Lila is a seven month old and we think about how perfect she is and imagine how perfect our lives could and should have been. This life only exists in our thoughts and dreams but we want it so much that it is its own living being. It grows as Lila should have. When the holidays come, I will envision that life and yearn for it. Sometimes it seems like we are crazy by thinking this way, but living life with Lila is how life should be lived. This should be our reality, not this nightmare that we wake up to each day. I will always have visions of that perfect life and our perfect Lila. - Mike