I have been putting off transferring videos that we took of Lila onto our computer for quite some time now.  I needed to do this to make sure we didn't lose them but I was procrastinating because I knew it would be difficult to watch.  The only video that I really knew that we took was of her baptism and besides that I didn't know what to expect. 

When I turned on the camera, there were many more videos than I expected.  We took a lot of videos on Lila's last day at the NICU and then I saw that there was one video taken at the Children's Home.  That video couldn't have been taken much more than an hour or two before she passed away.  I started watching it and it was as if it was just a normal family video.  Jenny was holding Lila and Lila was making cute little snoring sounds.  Just how our first days with Lila should have been.  I couldn't watch the whole video, it was too upsetting.  It was more upsetting to watch some of the other videos of Lila in the NICU.  It's just ridiculous that this actually happened.  These videos brought back some intense emotions and feelings and I have a feeling that they always will.  It's been 15 months since Lila was born and I'm still in shock that she is gone.  I don't know if that shock will ever go away. - Mike