Thanksgiving Weekend


A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. (

Eve is our rainbow baby and this past weekend she really showed us what that must mean for her, in her toddler way, to have an older sister who is not here. She has been saying Lila's name, it sounds like "Wiwa" and she seems to recognize her in pictures. We went to the mausoleum and she leaned up to give Lila some flowers. It was heartbreaking and amazing and devastating all in one move. I lost it this day at the mausoleum watching my amazing daughter interact with her sister the only way she can. Right now she doesn't know anything but happiness when she talks about Lila and I wish that it would always be that way for her but I know someday it will turn to sadness as well. It is unfair and unbelievable that this is the reality for my two girls, how I wish they could have known each other and be the best of friends. 

Mike and I both found Thanksgiving to be very difficult this year. We had a lot of good times, the holiday itself went really well and we had a lot of fun at a friend's house. We ran the turkey trot downtown and even Evie joined in via her stroller. The days surrounding it though were filled with a lot of despair and just feeling sad. Three Thanksgivings without Lila and it is still hard, it still hurts and it still makes us question everything. The holiday is supposed to be about giving thanks, but when you lose a baby, it is sometimes hard to do this when some people in today's society give thanks for material items and all you want is to have all your children alive and healthy. I give thanks every second for my younger daughter but then I question why couldn't I have both of my kids? It is confusing and hard and just another layer of grief to deal with around the holidays. The positive moments from the past four days were good, but I am just glad Thanksgiving is over with.