Today while at work, I was reviewing someones spreadsheet and trying to figure out why they did something a certain way. I was actively engaged in trying to solve this problem. Then I glanced over to the picture of Jenny, Lila and I that has a sticker that says "Family" on it and it hit me again. That wonderful feeling of being a family that I felt when that picture was taken now has turned into this sunken feeling of wanting my baby back. I then forced myself back to reviewing the thousands of lines in the spreadsheet, racing to find what I was looking for.
Sometimes when I get hit with these feelings, I furiously try to find a distraction and I feel like I'm sprinting in my mind away from the pain. I don't get like this all the time but when I do, it's as if I'm sprinting between thoughts until I get exhausted trying to distract myself. I have a minor crash like at the end of a race and I often stare at another picture at my desk and look in wonder at how perfectly round Lila's head was.
Another running analogy that I like to use to describe dealing with the loss of Lila is jogging. This is more of a constant distraction, almost mind-numbing. I've gotten this feeling a lot recently when I'm doing a repetitive task at the house, such as painting or sanding texture off of the walls. This seems like a more productive distraction to me. The crash I get after this is more physical exhaustion and I still think about Lila, but it feels different. Maybe this is because I like jogging more than sprinting but it's more likely that this physical distraction mechanism is a more healthy way to handle this. It's also probably why I'm looking forward to cutting the grass at the house. I'm sure there is some sort of endorphin release that is factoring into this that I'm not aware of.
I like to use running analogies because Lila and I were supposed to be running buddies. I had the running stroller, matching daddy diaper bag and everything ready to go for her. I just wish that she could have used them. - Mike