Mike and I took an ornament and some fake poinsettia flowers to Lila's mausoleum the other day. We had two ornaments for Lila that we got from my parents last Christmas, but did not want to bring those ones as they are both breakable. So we went online and ordered a baby's first Christmas ornament that won't break and some Christmas flowers for our baby. We struggled with if we should do this at all. Is this the right thing to do? Is this the right thing to do for us? Should we even be acknowledging Christmas? Do we have any right to go online and buy a first Christmas ornament for a baby who will never see it? It all felt strange. And yet we did it and went and brought these things with us for a visit to the mausoleum. And it was so sad. It was torture. I think I said over and over again how "ridiculous" this whole situation is. Lila should be here with us, for her first Christmas, and for always.

This is our reality now though. At the end of the day I am glad that Lila has some holiday flowers and an ornament with her. It felt like the right thing to do for us and her. We just wish this year was so different.