One of Lila's Hats

I have been having a hard time this week and I told Mike I wanted to find one of Lila's hats. It was the one she wore the most and was also the smallest on her. According to the tag it says it is for newborns 5-8lbs. Well this should have fit her perfectly since she weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces, but it looked so small on her. Mike calls it her "beanie" hat. 

Mike found the hat among all of Lila's things. When I held it for the first time I noticed the smell it had. It instantly took me back to being with Lila. It is a combination of hospital smell with baby smell and something clean. It was like Lila sent me this gift of a sweet smell to remember her. My baby is still surprising me after almost 9 months. 

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is a day that I knew about before having Lila, a day I thought about while pregnant with her, and a day I never imagined would be relevant to my life. It is nice that this day exists at all, but sad that no one really knows about it. You are supposed to light a candle at 7pm on this day in honor of babies you have lost and post the picture online. It is supposed to represent a "wave of light" in their honor. We lit Lila's candle in our front window for those who drove by to see, her candle burning for her.  

Mission Statement

Our therapist told us to write our life narrative as one of our 'homework' assignments.  The idea was to try to figure out how we view our life and to help identify our purpose in life, which was something that we often struggle with.  Our purpose before Lila died was to be her parents, take care of her and give her the best life possible.   

There was some miscommunication on my end and I ended up writing my 'mission statement' instead.  The therapist and Jenny made fun of me a bit for doing the wrong homework but after I read it they said it was really good.  I wanted to share it here on Lila's blog:

I am Lila's Dad and Jenny's husband.  Nothing matters to me more than them.  I do not believe that everything happens for a reason.  I believe in God but question his role on Earth.  I believe that good can happen but no longer assume that good will happen.

 -Mike

3 year Wedding Anniversary

Yesterday (10/9) was our three year anniversary. We take the picture below on every anniversary. We will get this one blown up and frame it and then next year we will hold that picture as we take our 4th year one and so on and so fourth. Lila was supposed to be physically here with us in the picture, so we tried to honor her the best way we could. Three years and we never thought this is how it would go for a couple who are so in love with each other and so in love with their baby girl. That picture that I am holding from our 2 year anniversary is the last anniversary I will be truly happy and content again, Lila was with us and our life was perfect.

Forgotten

I feel like the world around us has forgotten about Lila.  I knew this was going to happen but I didn't want it to. I do have to stress that it is not everyone.  I know that those of you who read this blog regularly remember Lila and I'm sure there are others as well. But on somedays it feels like most of our world has forgotten about Lila and forgot that we lost our sweet angel in the most traumatic way.  

Lila would have been 8 months old and life would have been so good. I'm not naive to think that every minute would have been glorious. I'm sure I would have been irritated and complained about little things but I would have been so happy to watch Lila grow and spend my time with her. There is the saying that actions speak louder than words. So do inactions. We were overwhelmed with support in the weeks following Lila's death, it was so very touching. Now that people have seemingly moved on with their lives and our support has waned, it only highlights how lonely life really is. Jenny and I have a great relationship but we are always missing the greatest part of our relationship. Our family will always be missing a person. I think this is why having support is so important when you lose a child. This loneliness will never go away and as support dwindles, the loneliness is amplified.

I spoke about actions and inactions above and the things people do or forget to do have greatly impacted and upset us at times. Following Jenny on Instagram and then unfollowing a day later is an example of this because it makes us think you did it because of all the pictures about Lila and grief. I look at every relationship in my life differently now as compared to before Lila died. Lila's death has forever changed us and I think we expected our relationships with people change as well. We need more from people now than we ever did but the reality of the situation is that most of our relationships are the same as they were before, simply not good enough. Again I want to stress to the babyloss community that has been very supportive and to those who have been helpful to us that I am not talking about you. You all have been great. But like I said, some days we just feel so incredibly alone. As the holidays approach, this feeling only gets exacerbated. We miss Lila so much and this wasn't just a baby dying, our lives and worlds have been crumbling ever since. - Mike