This site is the living memory of Lila Rupinsky, our beautiful daughter, who passed away at 8 days old. This is the story of our precious baby girl and how we are dealing with our infant loss.
I found this article on the Still Standing website and thought it was pretty accurate in how we are feeling about the upcoming holidays. Under the part where they talk about honour, you could send us a Lila stone picture on Thanksgiving and Christmas too. We never envisioned not having Lila here with us for the upcoming holidays. Knowing that she is remembered during this time of year will be so special for us.
I went to the All Souls Day Mass today for Lila with my brother-in-law. That was the first time that I've been in that church since I gave Lila's eulogy at her memorial mass. It was tough being in there. A lot of memories were coming back of that mass and the memorial that followed. It was almost 9 months ago, but I can vividly remember so many things as if it were just last week. I remember seeing certain people there, the cookies at the memorial and I remember how seemingly calm I was when I gave Lila's eulogy, which shocked many people but I think Lila helped me though it.
When I first got there I went to find the picture display that they had set up. There were about 20 pictures on display of those who died this year. As you can see below, they placed Lila's picture right next to the picture of Jesus. I had the feeling that the worker that set it up saved that place for Lila since I don't think anyone else in this church had lost a baby this year. There were a few other ladies who are active at that church that came up to me and gave me a hug which is a comforting feeling knowing that Lila has touched their lives.
During the mass I was trying to find meaning and answers in the readings and homilies but I knew that the answers I want weren't going to be revealed today. There was a nice candle lighting ceremony right before communion. When they called Lila's name we went up, got a candle and placed in this wooden cross that was filled with sand. It was neat to see all of the candles like that. The woman that was handing out the candles was at Lila's memorial and has since become closer with us. She was visibly upset when she saw me walking up and sort of met me half way. It was a nice gesture that no one else got.
Being there made me want to tell the others that were there about Lila. People were sobbing at times and I obviously know that losing someone close is tough and painful. But part of me wanted to tell everyone there about Lila and how she missed out on her entire life. I didn't want to say that to compare my loss to theirs but to perhaps change their perception and give them a greater appreciation of the time they had. It made me miss Lila and it was upsetting but as I left, I felt glad that I went and felt just a little closer to Lila today. - Mike
In the Catholic Church the month of November is used to remember those who have died during this past year. Many churches have specific masses dedicated to remembering those people. This year there are three churches that will be remembering Lila. If you are in Erie, Warren, or Pittsburgh we invite you to attend one of the masses listed below.
1. Pittsburgh, PA: St. Thomas More Church in Bethel Park. Saturday, November 2nd at 11:30 AM. Lila's picture is on display here as well. Mike and my brother will be attending this mass. Lila's name will be called and then Mike will light a candle in her honor.
2. Warren, OH: Blessed Sacrament Parish. Saturday, November 2nd at 7:00 PM. A candle will be lit and Lila's name will be read. Mike's parents will be in attendance.
3. Erie, PA: Our Lady of Peace Church. The masses on Saturday November 2nd at 5:00 PM and Sunday November 3rd at 7:30 AM, 9:00 AM, and 11:00 AM will all have a special prayer said that will include Lila's name. My parents will be at the mass on Saturday at 5:00 PM.
If you take the time to attend any of these masses, thank you, we are truly touched by people supporting us and Lila.
Tomorrow is Halloween and also Lila's 9 month birthday. We should have a nine month old here with us, the whole thought is just so surreal considering where we are now. We had talked a lot about how we would dress up Lila as a rabbit for Halloween. We even picked out this pink bunny costume for her and had all intentions of buying it when she was here. Mike was dressed up as a rabbit by his parents, haha, when he was little and so was I. So we figured it would make sense to dress Lila up as one too. Mike was going to dress up as a carrot and take her trick or treating. We talked a lot about this and how fun it would have been.
Tomorrow is going to bring up a lot of triggers and "what should have beens" for us. We were going to go out to eat and to a movie to avoid Halloween completely. Then we decided that we did not want to do that and we would just stay home and turn off the lights. Then we figured that sitting here in the dark and avoiding it wasn't going to help either. So we thought we would try. Mike bought candy and we will give it out and hopefully no babies dressed up as pink rabbits come to our door. If something is too upsetting for us we will just call it a night and turn off the light. Hopefully we only get kids over the age of three as there are not many little ones on our street. I guess this shows that we are trying. Lila would have been the cutest rabbit of all time.
The costume we had planned on buying
Me dressed up as a bunny
Mike as a bunny
This past week was pretty crumby. Both Jenny and I were feeling the loss of Lila more than usual. The week seemed to be going in slow motion and at the end of the day Wednesday we were both pretty drained. But on both Thursday and Friday, we saw some Lila Snow . We were missing Lila a lot this week and she gave us a little break with Lila Snow in back to back days. Jenny said to me that this snow makes her happy. It has a calming affect on me, similar to how I felt whenever I was around Lila. So as the days get colder, we look forward to more days like this where we can feel closer to our Sweet Lila. - Mike