I could not fall asleep last night and I was trying to think of what my purpose in life is. I knew what it was when Lila was here but now I'm lost. My life had a clear path and it was to do everything in my power to give Lila the best life possible. Now I lay awake wondering what to do and how to go on without her. And there is no answer. Our world is shattered and right now picking up the pieces seems like a lifelong task.
I liked knowing what my purpose was, I felt like I was starting to figure life out and that the next step after Lila was the house with the white picket fence. Now I don't know what to do. I want to smash that stupid picket fence into pieces and bulldoze that house down. I feel like a fool thinking that I knew what to expect. I told Jenny everyday that Lila would get here happy and healthy. I thought that after how long we tried to have Lila and after everything else we've been through that it was impossible that something bad would happen. I was more concerned with a minor issue like her being premature or having colic. Lila dying wasn't even on my radar. People, me being one of them, have said that our purpose now is to do things in Lila's name so that she is never forgotten. I agree with this but I don't want this to be my purpose, I want to do these things with Lila not for Lila.
It is so hard to pick yourself up after getting knocked down like this. Sometimes, other than breathing and looking forward to sleeping where there is a possibility that I can dream of Lila, I don't know what to do. The things that I do know are that I have less hair, that the hair that remains is becoming more grey, that my blood pressure is rising and that I really really love my wife and baby girl. - Mike