July 4th 2012 seems to be the last time in Lila's pregnancy when things seemed normal. This isn't totally true as the whole pregnancy was normal and fine, but for me it was the last time I seemed relaxed. My anxiety levels were low and I felt things were going as well as they could be. I was only 7 weeks pregnant then too! I remember that Mike and I sat out chairs by our apartment front door as we had a nice little view of two fireworks displays. It was calm and fun and a perfect little celebration as I was just so tired all of the time we did not want to go anywhere! We talked so much about what we would do with Lila for the 4th of July next year and how we'd probably have to skip it as her little ears could not handle fireworks.

A few days after July 4th I had a bleeding episode that sent us to the emergency room. It was terrifying and to make matters worse I had to drive myself to the ER because Mike was at work and I couldn't get ahold of him. When we finally had an ultrasound done it showed that Lila was fine, moving around like crazy, and we were told that it was just one of those things that can happen sometimes in a pregnancy, but my nerves never really recovered. I stopped exercising, I stopped going as many places, I didnt want to ever have that feeling again that we might lose her. It was the worst feeling in the world.

Looking back on that it should have been the worst feeling I had with Lila's pregnancy. That should have been enough. Why wasn't that enough?

This year we will go to a picnic and have a nice little day with Evie wearing her red, white and blue outfit. Yet we will be missing the innocence and peacefulness of the holiday we shared with Lila in 2012 and the ones where she should always be with us following. It is funny how a holiday like the 4th can invoke such memories for us.