Two different lives

Yesterday was one month since Lila died. Time is not healing for us. I always felt like I had experience with grief and knew what to expect with it. There is nothing familiar with this type of grief. Everything reminds me of Lila and what could have been. I feel that I am living two lives right now. One life is the life that should have been but it is also the life that I have to only see in my imagination. The life that we thought we were going to have, the life that would have been the greatest life we could have imagined. I see Lila in the car with us in her car seat, Lila waking up in her crib in the mornings, giving Lila a bath in her turtle shaped tub. She is with us every moment of everyday as she should be because she is our baby. The other life is how things really are, this life we never wanted or would have never wished on our worst enemies. This life that I cannot believe has become my own and I will never accept. I keep seeing these two lives in my everyday activities. I cannot escape this and this is when I get the most upset. Even now as I am sitting here typing on the computer, Mike is on the couch watching a movie and Lila should be in her bouncy seat sleeping in the room with us. That was the only scenario that should be happening for us. Not this. Not this life of loss, longing and questioning how this happened to us. Lila deserved better than this. -Jenny