Back to work (for real)

I was supposed to go back to work over two weeks ago and would come home to my happy baby and wife.  Obviously things are not that way now.  Today I started going back to work part time.  ​I was worried leaving Jenny but she had made lunch plans with a friend so that left me a little at ease.  I was worried about waking up at 5:15 am but I woke up, looked outside to see all the snow and called work to find out that I had a two hour delay.  This never happens where I work.  It definitely made my short day even shorter which I am grateful.  I had a feeling Lila played a role in this and felt stronger that way as I was driving to work and saw how pretty the snow was.  It was snowing on both the day Lila was born and the day she died and now we associate this pretty snow with her.  

Work was able to distract me a little bit but I kept thinking about Lila and how crappy our life seems right now without her.  I tried to walk quickly through the halls and each time I did I hoped no one was walking the other direction.  Before Lila, I'd always say "how are you doing?" or "how's it going?" to people when they passed but now I just hate that question mostly because I don't want to answer it myself.  Don't get me wrong, I like when people come and talk to me but when I take the time to think about the answer to the question "how's it going?" it upsets me because it's going awful, Lila isn't here.  We just miss our baby. - Mike

Lila's Stones and other updates

A lot of people have been sending in pictures of the Lila Stones at various places.  So far Lila has begun her travels and if you'd like to know where the stones have been,  please take a look at the page that I created which houses all of the pictures.  There is a link above and there is currently a slideshow at the bottom of the homepage.  

We love hearing when people tell us that they carry the Lila Stone around with them and just as much as we love it when people tell us that they read our blog every day.  I carry one in my pocket with me wherever I go.  Just to update you on our plans for the website, Jenny and I plan to post on this blog daily and will update the Lila's Stones gallery whenever we get new submissions.  I still plan on doing a 5k race in Lila's honor and will keep you updated here.  Right now we are thinking sometime in the fall.  I also created a mailing list so that if you prefer to get blog updates to your email, you can subscribe to our mailing list on the homepage.  We will also post updates on what we do with Lila's Memorial Fund, how we chose to remember her and who we help in her name. 

​Thank you all for the cards, emails, text messages and phone calls (even if we don't respond or answer).  Reaching out like this is what helps get us through the days and don't ever feel like you are bothering us.  We need to be bothered right now, your support is what is keeping us sane right now so thanks again.  - Mike

Feeling

So a few days before Lila was born, our computer got the blue screen of death.​  I didn't have a chance to go and have all of our data copied from the hard drive until after the day we buried Lila.  I took the computer to Best Buy because we needed some information off of it to use for her Memorial Mass.  So best buy had issues and couldn't get me the data off of my hard drive until 4 days after Lila's Memorial Mass.  Fail #1.  I am  just now getting around to checking to see everything that was pulled off of it and it looks like most of our documents did not make the cut.  Fail #2.  I was now getting worried that all of the pictures that we had stored on the computer were lost as well.  Luckily, I checked and I think all of them are there.  I was looking at some of the most recent ones we downloaded and they were of a pregnant Jenny holding onto Lila in her belly.  She looked so happy.  You could tell the look of joyful anticipation in her eyes, just a few short weeks and she would get to meet her beautiful Lila.  These pictures hurt to look at now.  I miss seeing Jenny so happy and it's still hard to contemplate that these moments are our new reality.

If you've ever wondered what we might be feeling, the only possible way that I can explain it is that we are riding the wave.  I've heard this before but didn't really understand what it really meant until now.  It's like a wave not only because of the ups and downs but more so because when you go from an up to a down, sometimes the wave falls and just crashes on you pushing and holding you down.  This is on top of the constant pit that I feel in my chest.  I expect that as time goes on, these types of waves will get farther spaced out but I still expect to have them.  - Mike

Our Car

For those of you that don't know Mike and I only drive Subarus. We love them, we both have one and I'd like to think that even if we had all the money in the world, we would still probably drive them. ​I have always liked that they are dependable cars that not everyone has, I don't like being like everyone else. Subarus are not overly expensive and are all wheel drive cars so they are better than most in the snow, which makes me feel better driving around the hills of Pittsburgh. Our newer Subaru is our Impreza which is hatchback or station wagon, depends on how you look at it. It was given a five star rating for safety. See the thing is that we always pictured Lila in this car with us. We had her car seat installed in this car, by the police department none the less, because we wanted to make her as safe as possible. We talked about how comfortable we felt with the car because we knew it was a good car to have for a baby. Plenty of space in the trunk for her things and we felt safe driving it with her in it with us. We pictured the three of us driving all around and maybe I would sit in the back with her to make her more comfortable when she was to first come home. Our car seems so empty to us now, we drive around and I will be okay until I think of her being with us and how she should be with us on the drives. I don't understand how we would have done anything to keep Lila safe and she is not here with us driving around in the Subaru where she belongs.

First Run...

Today was the first day that I ran since Lila was born.  ​As I said in my eulogy, running was going to be a thing that Lila and I did together.  I wanted to continue running because, in my mind, that time is still dedicated to Lila.  I ran in the apartment gym and only ran about two miles.  I felt a lot of emotions in those short two miles.  I was sad that I was doing this without Lila.  I felt angry and hit the treadmill with my hand a few times, once stopping the treadmill.  I thought I broke it but luckily it started up again.  I thought about Lila the whole time and it helped me throughout the run.  It's been over a month since I last ran and I'm out of shape but thinking about Lila and what I want to do for her helped make the run better.  I thought about the 5k race that I want to do for Lila and possibilities of when we could have it.  I think running will help me.  Before Lila was born, I would sometimes have difficulty with motivation to get out the door.  I see that being less of an issue now because my motivation will be spending time with my Lila.

-Mike