Give it all back

I read a story recently that I felt resonated a lot with how we are feeling lately. In the homily for Lila's memorial, Father Ted mentioned the story of Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. He is a Christian grammy singer who lost his five year old daughter in a tragic way a few years ago when she was hit by a car driven by one of his other children. I knew about the story, but had never read the interviews the family had done afterwards. In one of the interviews Chapman's wife had said she knew their story would touch a lot of people and serve as inspiration to others going through tragedy with how they are doing now, but that she did not care. She was their little girl's mother and she just wanted her baby back. ​

We have been floored by the massive outpouring for us and for Lila. We have received so many cards and gifts and emails and text messages. There are a lot of outstanding people in our lives and without their support, we would not be able to wake up in the morning. There are also a lot of amazing people who have reached out to us that we have never met, who have sent us messages or cards and they do not even know us personally.

We have been given jewelry, food, plaques, picture frames, books and a memory box, just to name a few things. One of our friends even had a tree planted in the Colorado Rockies for Lila. The fact that our little Lila has touched so many people really is amazing. We are so thankful for everyone during this time. Everything you all have done is so touching. 

And yet the thing is that we would give it all back in a heartbeat if we could have Lila again. ​- Jenny

Hearing Lila's name from kids

Today we had some great friends visit from out of town. (Thank you guys for everything). Being around kids, especially those who were going to be Lila's friends, has been helpful to us and served as a good distraction. Almost two year old Emma went over to one of Lila's pictures today and just said "Lila" aloud to herself. She recognized Lila in the picture and knew it was Lila and said her name, like she had said it a few times before. It was almost like it was just another thing to her, like there is my blanket, there is my juice box, there is a picture of my friend Lila. A totally normal thing in the mind of a two year old. Oh how we wish it was just that, but it was so much more to us. Hearing her name from kids who do not understand what happened to her, but know she exists is a powerful thing. For a moment it seems like Lila is still here or she is on her way to coming home to us. We know that is not the reality though, but when we hear kids say her name and acknowledge her existence it helps us. It shows us that even after Mike and I are gone someday, we can hope that the generation of kids that Lila should have been a part of might still remember her as well. I just wish Lila would have been here today to play with Emma and all of her other friends we wanted her to meet so badly. - Jenny

Free Samples

As Jenny and I were sitting around watching NCAA tournament games, the mailman knocked on the door and dropped off a package.  It's always at least mildly exciting when a package you are not expecting comes.  Turns out we got free samples of infant formula from Enfamil.  It never ends.  This is actually the second day in a row that we got free baby formula samples.  Everyday brings something that's a cruel reminder that Lila is not here, as if we don't already have enough reminders.  I have no idea how we got on these mailing lists, probably from a baby registry or something like that.  I went to Enfamil's website and sent them an email to have our address removed from whatever database that they have and told them why.  I know stuff like this will happen and that other situations will arise that make us feel like crap, but it still stings even when you expect it. - Mike

Talking about Lila

We've mentioned this before but there are many layers to our grieving.  One thing that goes unnoticed is that I don't get to talk about Lila.  People always ask me how we are doing and how Jenny is holding up but no one asks about Lila.  I realize that people don't want to bring it up because they are worried about upsetting me or that they don't want to cross the wrong boundary but I could talk about Lila all day.  She was perfect, she's all I want to talk about.  I want people to ask about her weird but sweet looking hair pattern and how she had the cutest lips that a newborn has ever had.  I want to talk about how her 28 week 3D ultrasound is the spitting image of her as a newborn.  I'm a proud father and this is just another part of life that was stolen away from us.  ​She lived 8 days but I could talk for hours about those days.  

Nothing about going through losing your baby is easy, let alone your first and only baby.  We have been in such a baby focused world for the better part of the last year and now we have to actively shield ourselves from that world because it is still so upsetting.  We want to be back in that pink world where Lila is resting peacefully in her crib.  Our world now sometimes seems like she never existed.  Talking about Lila and the cute things that she did while she was still here comforts me and helps me get through the day.  I get so angry about so many things now-a-days that all stem from losing Lila.  I just want my baby back so that she can make this all better.  She's the only one who can make things better. - Mike

Time does not heal all wounds

I don't know who came up with the saying, "time heals all wounds", but what a dumb thing to say to someone who has lost an infant. ​As these past few weeks have gone on, things have seemed to be getting worse for us. Maybe the reality of the situation is hitting us or that too much time is passing since we last saw Lila. It might be that people go on with their lives, as they must, and we are not surrounded by all of the people we once were when we first lost her. It could be that, no matter what anyone says no one is able to bring Lila back to us and time is not going to change that. 

​I suppose time would help in the healing of minor things like losing a job or ​breaking a bone. A bone would heal and there is always another job to be found. Time would also help in the grieving of losing an elderly parent or grandparent. We all know that everyone dies at some point, we just do not know when or how. Though when you lose someone who has lived their life, that understanding gives you that peace of mind. They probably got married, had a career, had children, and maybe even had grandchildren. There is of course sadness, but you can remember the happy times and knowing they had a good life. 

Time is not healing for us. Every moment of every day is time that we should have had with LIla. Everywhere we go is somewhere she should have gone with us. I have lost some people in my life, but I can at least look back on memories I had with them. Things I did with them and conversations we had. I can see pictures of them laughing and smiling and enjoying life. But we did not get to have any of that with Lila. We never got to take her home. Every moment in her life was one of the greatest moments of ours, but that was because she was there. Sadly it was also filled with uncertainty as to what was going on and then tragedy as we knew we were going to lose her. Time cannot heal the fact that these should have been the happiest moments of our lives. We had planned a future for her and with her. We have to now force ourselves to try and think of other things or the grief is just too overwhelming. Every baby and child we see reminds us of the life that was stolen from her and from us. 

No matter what happens to Mike and I over the course of our life nothing is going to make this better. We could go on to win millions of dollars in the lottery. We could travel to every country in the world. We could have more children one day. It does not matter. Our lives have been forever ruined. There will always be an overwhelming sense of loss in our hearts. Everything about us is now changed. We were shown the greatest love and then the greatest tragedy all within eight days. We are not and we never will be the same people we were before we lost Lila. This tragedy has forever changed us. I do not know how people will react to that, but I also do not care. 

Lila is not here and she should be. She will always be missing and there is nothing time can do to change that. ​

It's hard to not sound so depressing all the time but today has been a rough day and this is just the truth. - Jenny