This past year

This whole past year was a complete lie. Nothing that happened means anything anymore. It was all a lie.

​Everything with Lila was always good. Every ultrasound. Every doctors appointment. Every heart rate check. Every blood test done on me. Every kick. ​Every hiccup she got. Everything was always good.

We had no forewarning that something was going to go wrong. We had no idea. We were not prepared at all. We never saw it coming. 

We were told so many times to "get ready" for a having a baby in our life. We bought her things, we made plans, we involved other people in the planning. We imagined our life with her in it. We had baby showers, we had baby registries, we got rid of old things and bought new things for Lila. We have so many things for her from clothes to binkies to bottles and hair bows. We were so ready for Lila. We were so happy because of her.

We were not ready for this. ​Nothing matters anymore without her. I was going to put pictures up from the last year, but I couldn't even look at the pictures from my baby shower before I broke down and lost it. I cant even think back on this past year because the pain is too great.

Why did it have to be Lila? Why couldn't she have just been healthy like they always told us she was? Why isn't she just here with us where she belongs? 

Mothers Day

My friend, Holli, told me earlier this week that she had been told before that sometimes the buildup to a holiday is worse than the actual holiday when you are dealing with grief. That is probably true. It might even help explain why this week has been one of the worst I have had yet. I cannot comprehend this life we are living now anymore than the day we were told Lila was not going to ever come home with us. 

I always wanted to be a mother. More so than I think anything else in my life. I am not working right now, probably because having a career never was that important to me. I gave it all up to try and get pregnant and then carry Lila to full term as healthy as I could. I loved the kids I babysat like they were all little brothers and sisters and hanging out with them was usually more fun to me than work. I wanted to get married of course, but when I was little I mostly focused on what my husband and I would name our kids and not how we would plan our wedding. I think most of my high school friends at one point in my life called me Mom for acting too motherly back then as well. 

This Mothers Day is just another reminder of what we have lost. I would have traded my own life for Lila to have been able to live hers. People can call me a mother all they want and it is nice to hear sometimes, but it is not the same. I wanted to hear Lila call me her mother and I never even got to hear her first word. ​

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Quiet Friday Nights

When Jenny was pregnant with Lila, we stopped going out as much and started making meals more often than we go to restaurants.  Quiet Friday nights in were becoming more the norm and they were usually filled with anticipation of Lila and some sort of baby planning.  We bought baby clothes online and just enjoyed the thought of our family doing this after Lila was born.  Now these quiet nights are torture.  We sit on the couch, just the two of us.  We sometimes imagine Lila sleeping during times like this and picture that perfect life.  I try to look forward at times but I don't get very far.  The road ahead seems never ending and lonely.  Right now it feels like there is nothing in life to look forward to.  Before Lila was born, I was already thinking of some of the things that Lila and I were going to do for Jenny on Mother's day and how happy of a day it was going to be.  Now days like this and basically all holidays bring more pain and every Mother's Day commercial on TV is another dagger. Everything reminder of how close we were to having the perfect baby and perfect life that we wanted so badly. - Mike

Wishes

I wish Lila were still here.  She gave our lives purpose and her death has left us incomplete and empty.  Lila was my baby girl.  I didn't know what nickname I would call her before she was born but 'Sweet Lila' was the first thing that I came up with.  Not that original, I know, but that's all I had time for.  I said before that the eight days that Lila lived were the greatest days of my life but they were also some of the worst.  The not knowing if she was going to be ok, the not being able to hold her for three days, from getting good MRI results to learning that she can't live on her own just two days later.  Lila's eight days were filled with so much angst and anxiety but she deserved to live her life.  There is so much wrong with this world and so many people who don't deserve the gifts that were given to them.  Why did this happen to us?  I had counted how many diapers that we had ready (and still have) for Lila.  There are over 1000.  We bought trivisol, desitin and little baby nail files.  We were so prepared to give Lila the best life.  She was going to be Daddy's little girl and Jenny's best friend.  We had so much faith, hope and love for Lila before she was born but right now it's impossible to see beyond the clouds of grief, anger and sadness.  I wish I could make Jenny feel better.  I wish I could hold Lila again.  I just wish Lila were still here. - Mike