Lila's Tree

We had a tree dedication ceremony today in Lila's honor. We had an Eastern Redbud tree planted on Flagstaff Hill in Schenley Park in Pittsburgh. It is a great location on the top of Flagstaff Hill where it is very peaceful and pretty. If you live in Pittsburgh and would like to find it you just have to walk up the pathway across from Phipps Conservatory. It is at the top along with a few other Redbud trees, only one other one is the same size and they are the smaller two. Hers is the one that lines up with the Cathedral of Learning and closer to the path.  The whole event was very nice and we are very glad we decided to do this. Mike, Rachel and I went there and met with the arborist Brian and Kathleen from the Parks department. They were both so kind and helped us to put the dirt around the tree, add mulch and water it. ​We all learned a lot about trees today and felt that Lila's tree would be taken very good care of. 

We love that this tree has pretty pink flowers and it is so special that it is overlooking a pretty part of the park. We just wish Lila could have been at the park with us today, we would have taken her often, she would have loved it there. 

​Lila Stones in her tree

​This photo best shows the location.  You can see the large oak tree by the bench and the building directly behind that is the Cathedral of Learning

In the car

The past few days when I've been driving to and from work, I have been getting equally upset and angry about what happened to Lila.  I think about her getting older and when I see young kids and teenagers in other cars, I wonder what Lila would look like and how her little personality would have developed.  I find this life we have extremely frustrating and unfair.  Each brief moment of laughter is met with an equal sadness.  This frustration culminates in the car.  I don't have road rage but I've been yelling at other drivers for not going fast enough or for stopping at a yellow light when they should have gone.  I have lost any patience for this.  I also try to be strong for Jenny and I try to make sure that I don't get upset or angry around her.  It helps when I get to tear up the ugly floor at the house with a hammer and crowbar but I don't get to do that everyday.  So when I'm in the car, perhaps this is my daily outlet where I can ​get upset and show my anger about losing our sweet Lila. - Mike

This sums it up

I saw this on the website, SayingGoodbye.org that deals with infant loss. This pretty much sums up how I feel every minute of everyday. -Jenny

3 Months Old and a Rose Bush

Lila would have been 3 months old, since she was born on the 31st of January, we just consider her to be another month old on the last day of every month. 3 months old. This baby would have been so adjusted to us and us to her by now. She would be smiling and probably sleeping on a normal schedule. ​Of course she'd be sleeping on a normal schedule, she was a genius baby! We miss her so much. Everything we do revolves around what it would have been like with her with us.

​Our amazing neighbor planted a rose bush today in Lila's honor. We wanted to share a picture of it, (theres a Lila stone in the bottom left corner). Everytime we see pretty pink flowers we think of her. Everything that is beautiful is what Lila represented to us. We just wanted a lifetime of that with her here.

-Jenny

Sprinting and Jogging

Today while at work, I was reviewing someones spreadsheet and trying to figure out why they did something a certain way.  I was actively engaged in trying to solve this problem.  Then I glanced over to the picture of Jenny, Lila and I that has a sticker that says "Family" on it and it hit me again.  That wonderful feeling of being a family that I felt when that picture was taken now has turned into this sunken feeling of wanting my baby back.  I then forced myself back to reviewing the thousands of lines in the spreadsheet, racing to find what I was looking for.  

Sometimes when I get hit with these feelings, I furiously try to find a distraction and I feel like I'm sprinting in my mind away from the pain.  I don't get like this all the time but when I do, it's as if I'm sprinting between thoughts until I get exhausted trying to distract myself.  I have a minor crash like at the end of a race and I often stare at another picture at my desk and look in wonder at how perfectly round Lila's head was. 

Another running analogy that I like to use to describe dealing with the loss of Lila is jogging.  This is more of a constant distraction, almost mind-numbing.  I've gotten this feeling a lot recently when I'm doing a repetitive task at the house, such as painting or sanding texture off of the walls.  This seems like a more productive distraction to me.  The crash I get after this is more physical exhaustion and I still think about Lila, but it feels different.  Maybe this is because I like jogging more than sprinting but it's more likely that this physical distraction mechanism is a more healthy way to handle this.  It's also probably why I'm looking forward to cutting the grass at the house.  I'm sure there is some sort of endorphin release that is factoring into this that I'm not aware of.  

I like to use running analogies because Lila and I were supposed to be running buddies.  I had the running stroller, matching daddy diaper bag and everything ready to go for her.  I just wish that she could have used them. - Mike