This site is the living memory of Lila Rupinsky, our beautiful daughter, who passed away at 8 days old. This is the story of our precious baby girl and how we are dealing with our infant loss.
I never thought I would have a baby this gorgeous. I knew she would be cute, but she was truly stunning. She had the best skin color, hair color and soft features. She had little ears and those big lips. Most newborn babies you cant tell if they are a boy or a girl, but she screamed girl to us. She was too petite and gorgeous to not be a girl. She should have had a chance to live her life. She would have been beautiful inside and out. - Jenny
This picture was taken about a day or two before I went into labor, it is the last picture we took before we had her. We had gone to Kohls to buy another pair of yoga pants for me and more newborn onesies for Lila. She needed more with long sleeves b/c all the ones we had were short sleeved and we thought she would be too cold being born in the winter and all. I think Mike is the one who got something that night though. I was trying things on because we were wasting time and it was funny to see how nothing fit me. I started taking pictures to show Mike because he didnt think he should come into the dressing room with me. I guess we suddenly cared what the Kohls workers thought about us.
I havent been able to go back to Kohls since and I probably never will go to that one store. We were so happy, so full of anticipation for our baby girl. We can be happy again sure, but never the same type of happiness where your whole life is complete and you are just so in love with your own life. That will never happen again, because Lila will always be missing. I just want to go back in time to this picture and have the circumstances be different for us. Lila deserved better than this.
So today at the house was the first time we did a little yard work. There are a lot of little plants and bushes that are either dead or ugly that have to go and Jenny started cutting some of the branches off. We have several trees, some pretty ones that have white flowers and some that have pink flowers which are Jenny's favorite. There are also some that have died, are ugly or just in the way, which I am happy about because I'm excited to use a chainsaw to get rid of them. I mowed the lawn for the first time, well some of the lawn until a huge storm came through. When it came, Jenny and I went back inside and watched the storm pass. We looked out at the back yard and all the trees were blowing in the wind. White flower petals of the three white flowering trees were falling to the ground and it looked exactly like Lila snow. A nice little surprise that we didn't expect and this made us like these trees even more.
Also Craig and Wendy sent us a tree to plant in Lila's honor. It is a dogwood tree that has pink petals. Jenny and I were debating how a tree was going to be shipped to us. I thought that a tree service was going to bring it out and plant it for us while Jenny thought it was going to come by UPS. I thought she was nuts but the first package we received at the house was the dogwood tree, delivered by UPS in a box. I had no idea trees were shipped this way. It's a cute little tree and we look forward to finding the perfect spot for it in our yard. I may have to cut some of these other trees down sooner rather than later to make room for this little guy. - Mike
We were talking today about Lila's unpredictable behavior while I was pregnant with her and how much we miss it. Unpredictable in a good way of course, she was always making us guess what she would do next. She did not start kicking me really hard until the day I was exactly 20 weeks pregnant, she kicked so hard that even Mike got to feel it that day. Of course she never did it hard enough again for him to feel for another five or so weeks. She liked to play games with him.
During her 19 week anatomy scan she started peeing during the ultrasound. The tech told us that was the first time she had ever seen a baby do that and it was pretty hilarious. You could see everything right there on the screen as a little stream of urine went around her. The tech said it was pretty obvious that her kidneys were working properly and we had nothing to worry with that.
Some days she would kick all day long. Other days she would kick a ton for an hour or so and then be pretty quiet for another four hours. The doctors always said to watch for her patterns to make sure she was okay, but I always told them that she did not have a pattern. She kicked when she wanted. Got the hiccups all the time on some days and not at all on other days. And sometimes responded to outside noises and sometimes could care less.
Lila's personality was strong and showed itself all during the pregnancy. She was stubborn yet calm and active yet playful. How can this baby not be here with us? How did this happen? -Jenny
So here is a picture of our first house. We got the keys last Friday and are doing some work on it before we move in. Like I said in an earlier post, we are experiencing both highs and lows with this house. We are grateful to have found this house and glad that everything went relatively smooth throughout the whole process. The house has also been a good distraction for us since it does need some work. But just the two of us are moving in. Instead of showing a picture of the three of us, we have a picture of a Lila stone in front of the house. We always envisioned our first home to be with Lila in tow. We knew the house would come after Lila did but not like this. We still struggle to find a way through each day.
When we are working on the house, there are times each day that we stop and look around, and we still can't get over how ridiculous our life is right now. About how ridiculous it is that Lila is not moving into the house with us. We picture Lila a little older running around in the yard and playing in the driveway with neighbors. I picture Lila sitting in the back patio watching me mow the grass and laughing as I throw rocks and sticks at the deer that won't stop eating our plants.
I hesitate to think about how nice it will be to move in once all the work is done because I can't use words like nice, good and enjoyable about our lives right now because the gaping hole in our hearts from Lila's death hasn't gotten any smaller. I know there will be a point when we can allow joy back into our lives but I do not know how do get to that point. Whenever I try to figure it out, it just seems like that point is years down the road and maybe it is. Until that point, I will be working on the (already) endless lists of projects that Jenny has lined up for me on Pinterest. - Mike