Stick figure family

I want to preface this post by saying that I mean no offense to anyone who reads this if they have a stick figure family sticker on the back of the car.  ​

Before Lila was born, I always found these stickers with the dad and his golf clubs, mom in her apron, little boy in ball cap, baby girl in a stroller, 2 dogs, a cat and a gerbil extremely irritating.  It really bugged me driving behind minivans with the stick figure families, especially the mickey mouse family sticker, those might be the worst and I had to fight back every urge to scrape them off.  There are so many varieties now.  Part of me thought that those stick figures were making targets out of those families, that they were telling the world a little too much about themselves.  Jenny and I agreed that we would never drive a mini-van because neither one of us wanted to be the one stuck driving it, especially me since I know I would get stuck with it and there was no way we'd have a stick figure family.  ​

Since Lila has died, I have an entirely different view of these stickers.  I hate them even more.  I feel that every time I drive by one, those stupid stick figures are telling me about the perfect family inside the van with their 4 children and small zoo of pets.  They brag to me how much luckier they are than I am and they are right since we are driving around with an empty car seat in the back.  A friend of mine that I met recently who has gone through a similar loss describes people who have had a perfectly by-the-book life as blissfully ignorant.  So much can go wrong and it can go wrong at anytime and before it does, you are blissfully ignorant.  I wish everyday to be in that mold and not mourning the loss of my daughter.  This stick figure family is an example of many things in my life right now, my perception about them has changed.  Another example is that I had peanut butter and jelly toast everyday before work and now I haven't had it once since Lila died.  Everything in my life smells and tastes different than it once did.  I knew everything would change once Lila got here but this was not what I had in mind. - Mike

House

We have been busy the past several days and haven't had much time or energy to write a post.  We closed on our first home on Friday and have been spending our time doing some small work and trying to come up with a plan for some minor renovations.  I'll write more about everything soon but just wanted to share the mix of emotions that this has brought us.  First of all we are grateful to have found such a nice home in a great neighborhood.  Jenny's Dad suggested to us that we should start looking for a house after Lila died.  We were hesitant to look at first but when we did, we got lucky with this house.  But, as is our life right now, with every positive we are brought back down because Lila should be doing all of this with us.  Moving in without her is going to be another hard pill to swallow.  We'll post a picture of the house and go into more detail about it soon. - Mike

Exercise...or lack thereof

While pregnant with Lila I gained 24 lbs. I did not gain any weight at all in the first trimester, some in the second, and as expected most in the third. I wouldn't have cared if I gained 50 pounds, I loved being pregnant too much to care. I never gave a second thought to losing the weight either, I did not care as long as I had Lila, the weight would come off eventually.​ I ran before I was pregnant so I was sure I would use our running stroller and take her with me as I slowly got back into the sport. 

​So now that I don't have Lila, I don't have any need or desire to lose the weight at all. I must be one of very few people who just had a baby and does not want to lose the weight. The extra pounds are something that still connect me to the pregnancy and to Lila. I do not see myself ever wanting to get rid of the pounds.

Mike has asked me a few times to go on a walk and to get some exercise. I know I should be exercising, but its the whole concept of getting out there again that is so unappealing to me. Even something as small as going on a walk has so many connections to Lila. We walked a lot while I was pregnant, I should be walking with her in her stroller. What would I think about on this walk now, Lila of course. Every day is a constant battle to wake up and get out of bed and I cannot imagine purposely doing something where I know I would be thinking about her and how she is not here with us. 

I also do not believe much of anything related to health issues either. Who really cares about exercising. Everyone said I was healthy and the pregnancy was healthy so Lila would get here healthy. Here I am still healthy and she is not here. ​- Jenny

I sleep with a blanket

Actually, Jenny and I both do.  Ever since Lila died, we've kept two of her blankets in our bed.  Jenny holds one when she sleeps that Lila used in the NICU.  It is a simple striped one that the hospital gave us.  It smelled like Lila for a while and nothing could beat that smell.  If only that could last forever.  I sleep with one that was wrapped around Lila one of the first times we held her.  It's been since I was two the last time I slept with a blanket.  I think part of it is that it gives us something else to hold on to when we can't hold on to Lila.  Last night Jenny woke up and was thrashing around for a few minutes, I knew she was looking for the blanket.  It was by my hand so I handed it to her and Jenny went back to sleep.  Jenny also carries one of Lila's hats in her purse.  We got to trim Lila's fingernails and Jenny kept a piece and taped it to her license.  I carry my Lila stone with me at all times.  I have her hospital bracelet and a gauze pad with a drop of her blood in my wallet.  I also have a heart shaped sticker that was holding the thermometer on her chest while at the hospital.  These are just things and in no way take the place of our baby but these are the far too few keepsakes that we have left of her.  Yes, I am 31 and sleep with a blanket and will probably continue to do so for a long time. - Mike

Lila's Color

One thing that Jenny and I found so intriguing about Lila was that her skin coloring was so much better than ours.  We are two of the palest people I've ever seen but Lila came out with what seemed a natural suntan.  She looked so good.  It's just another one of those surprises that we didn't see coming, although this was a good surprise.  Lila seemed to soak up every bit of her 56.25% Italian heritage.  This is proof that Lila was part of both of us but still her own little unique person.  It breaks my heart every day that we don't get to see the changes that she would have gone through and what her personality would have developed into.  ​It's not fair that this happened to our precious baby who had such perfect little baby features.  She was so beautiful in every way and I hate that it's painful to look at her pictures. I just hope she didn't suffer at all. - Mike