8 pictures

Today has been a particularly bad day for us. I never know when it is going to hit me or what is going to set me off. What started off as an innocent drive to East Liberty to see a different part of Pittsburgh became a flood of emotions as memories began flooding back. I might not ever be able to drive through the Liberty Tunnel again as that is how we got to Magee Hospital so many times for all of the appointments we had while pregnant. All of the appointments that we enjoyed going to and all of the appointments that told us Lila was a completely healthy baby. Since she was healthy she should be here with us.

​We are still awake at nearly midnight, late for us, because the thought of going to bed and thinking about things is far worse than staying up tired.

The only thing that even remotely helped us was the outpouring of Lila stone pictures we were sent today. We got 8 pictures from friends and family all over the country. Thank you. It may not seem like you are doing much for us, but seeing those pictures show us that for a brief moment you were also thinking of Lila and that to us is priceless. ​-Jenny

Lila's Hair and First Bath

A friend of ours asked to hear some stories about Lila and I thought it was a great idea to share more about her. When she was born and we saw her for the first time her hair looked curly. I mean it was dirty and stuff from actually being born, but it had a little curl to it. ​We kept telling everyone that it was pretty obvious that she was going to have curly hair like her Mom. 

DSC_2908.JPG

On the Monday after she was born, when she was 4 days old, she had her first bath. Lila seemed so mad about it too. She kept clenching her fists and just had a look of disgust on her face. Mike called it "the ultimate look of displeasure." It was the most she had opened up her eyes too and I think she just wanted to see what the heck we were doing to her. I felt like we really got to see what life would have been like if we could have brought her home. We were seeing a glimpse of her newborn personality and we knew she would have hated bath time. This was also the first time we got to hold her and Mike had to raise her up out of her bassinet so she could get all new sheets. 

After her bath we got to brush her hair and she suddenly looked like a whole new baby as her hair turned completely straight. It was short too, but any signs of curls were completely gone. ​Her hair was so soft, the softest I have ever felt. It was thick for a little baby and the prettiest shade of dark brown I have seen. In some of her pictures it looks light brown, but it was definitely darker. We could really now see how thin her hair was in the front and how long it got in the back. Like Mike said in his eulogy, it was not a mullet, it was just perfect.

I could stare at the picture below of just her hair all day long. I wish we would have gotten to see if it ever would have ever turned curly. ​-Jenny

DSC_3053.JPG

Remembering

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died -- you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."--Elizabeth Edwards

Jenny found this quote earlier this week and it stuck with us.  I think that before Lila died, I would have been like this, afraid to mention a lost child to a parent.  I had no idea how to deal with difficult losses like this.  This quote says it perfectly, especially in our situation.  When you are new parents, your baby is your life and is all you want to talk about.  People should be coming up to us and telling us how cute Lila is and asking us if Lila is sleeping through the night yet.  Even though our baby died, she still occupies our every waking thought.  We are still parents and still want to talk about our baby, but I see how it can appear to be a radioactive subject to some. - Mike

Pittsburgh Sports

Pittsburgh is such a big sports town and we love living here.  In the past year we've been to several baseball, football and hockey games.  I had planned on taking Lila to a lot of games throughout her life to get her into sports.  I'd most likely force her for a while, but my hope was that eventually she'd like to hear me explain how everything works.  I'm sure she would have been bored out of her mind but it would have been worth it.  Sports have an up and down effect on us.  We went to Pirates, Steelers and Pitt Football games when Jenny was pregnant with Lila.  Jenny kept telling herself that we just had to get through a Steelers season and then Lila would be here.  She told me that she can't get into the Steelers this year.  The Steelers season last year was tied to Lila's pregnancy and it'll be tough to get back into it.  Jenny's brother, Dan, said that it's a good thing that we won't get into this season because the Steelers are going to stink.

​I am usually a pretty positive guy but this is the window into our world so I am trying to write how we are feeling.  The Pirates opened up their season on Monday and we had talked last year about taking Lila to a game to show her cuteness off.  These thoughts are still difficult to work through.  

On a more positive note, the Penguins have been on a tear and on a 15 game winning streak.  We went to 2 of those games (one of them where Crosby broke his jaw) and the excitement has been a great distraction for us.  We've watched most of those games and like to talk about their recent trades and how far they can go in the playoffs.  Now granted, as I write this, they are currently losing to Buffalo 4-1 so let's hope they have some magic left.  These games are an outlet for us and are helpful to get us through some days but we always come back down and miss Lila.  We get ourselves in trouble as well when we try to look too far into the future, it's too overwhelming.  My daily goal is to try and get us through each day.  Hopefully, some time in the near future we can expand our window of focus to a few days or a week and then longer.  I wish we could fast forward to a point where we feel much better but life is not that easy so we must continue to get through each day. - Mike