What do we do now?

We ask this question to ourselves every day.  Each day seems like its own mini-battle.  We wake up and basically do what we have to in order to get through another day without Lila.  I started working half days but don't feel comfortable enough working full days yet.  Partly because it's a struggle for me but also I don't like leaving Jenny home alone for too long.  She was going to stay home and take care of Lila while I worked.  

We struggle finding ways to get through each day and are running out of distractions.  ​Laughter comes out more but it is almost always accompanied with guilt.  Everywhere we go we get glimpses of the life we should have had with Lila and of the memories we never got to make with Lila.  When I run errands and see families interact, I feel at times that people don't understand how good they have it.  This may not be true but if they had a window to my soul I bet they would hold their kids a little tighter.  I feel like I have a grimace on my face when I go to the grocery store and sometimes I wonder if I look deranged.   

This new life of ours is unbelievably tough and unfair.  It's so hard to know what to do when we can't even plan dinners for the week.  We can barely make it to the next time we sleep, which seems like the only break from living without Lila.  It's so hard to begin to move on when all we want to do is go back to when Lila was still here. - Mike

Easter and Two Months

Before Lila was born, Jenny had already made our plans for Easter.  That was going to be Lila's busiest day since she was born.  We were going to take her to Easter mass, have everyone gush about how cute and well behaved she is and go to brunch at the Grand Concourse in Station Square.  Lila would be wearing her Easter dress which would obviously contain pink and she'd have one of the many bonnets on that Jenny had picked out (like the one below).  Lila would also have been two months old today.  Easter was going to be a great day for our little family.​

​Today brought much more pain than joy.  Holidays are tough.  So are monthly milestones for Lila.  We didn't realize that Lila was going to be two months on Easter until earlier this week.  Every Easter in my life had been a refreshing one which is what were expecting this one to be before Lila was born.  It is a time of rebirth and nature brings reminders as trees start to bud and ladybugs begin appearing.  Granted, Lila did her best to prolong the winter with several days of Lila snow so far this spring.  We have not been able to be refreshed or feel the rebirth because we miss our sweet Lila so much and are still mourning her loss.  I had to go to the store to get eggs and bread today.  I wasn't expecting many people there but it seemed that everyone who was there had their kids with them and they all were happy.  Every aisle I turned into I was reminded of this.  It just made me think more about how Lila should be in my cart as I go down these aisles.  She should be here, this shouldn't have happened to our baby. - Mike

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Two flowers

​When you come into our apartment there is a vase on a table with these two big flowers. We bought them a few years ago when I told Mike that we needed more "color" in our place. Looking at these flowers you would think they look normal and there is not much to them.

There is a flower missing though because there used to be three of them. It now resides with Lila at her mausoleum. They only allow fake flowers there because it is an indoor mausoleum and so we felt that she had to have the best flower we had with her. I did not realize at the time how fitting it would be that she would be given one of the three flowers that we had in our home.

When you look at these two flowers you do not know one is missing unless we tell you. When strangers look at us they do not know one of us is missing unless we tell them. 

​And Lila will always be missing because she should be here with us. 

My Purpose

I could not fall asleep last night and I was trying to think of what my purpose in life is. I knew what it was when Lila was here but now I'm lost. My life had a clear path and it was to do everything in my power to give Lila the best life possible. Now I lay awake wondering what to do and how to go on without her. And there is no answer. Our world is shattered and right now picking up the pieces seems like a lifelong task.

I liked knowing what my purpose was, I felt like I was starting to figure life out and that the next step after Lila was the house with the white picket fence. Now I don't know what to do. I want to smash that stupid picket fence into pieces and bulldoze that house down. I feel like a fool thinking that I knew what to expect. I told Jenny everyday that Lila would get here happy and healthy. I thought that after how long we tried to have Lila and after everything else we've been through that it was impossible that something bad would happen. I was more concerned with a minor issue like her being premature or having colic. Lila dying wasn't even on my radar. People, me being one of them, have said that our purpose now is to do things in Lila's name so that she is never forgotten. I agree with this but I don't want this to be my purpose, I want to do these things with Lila not for Lila.

It is so hard to pick yourself up after getting knocked down like this. Sometimes, other than breathing and looking forward to sleeping where there is a possibility that I can dream of Lila, I don't know what to do. The things that I do know are that I have less hair, that the hair that remains is becoming more grey, that my blood pressure is rising and that I really really love my wife and baby girl. - Mike

Glimpse of Heaven

Jenny and I were watching the Voice on TV yesterday and one of the contestants was telling his story.  He and his wife were expecting twins and when his wife went into the hospital, there was a problem that lead to her being induced.  His twin girls were born but the doctor said that they only had 10 minutes to live.  He said something that perfectly illustrates what we are going through.  He said that having his girls was like getting a glimpse of heaven and being told you can't stay.  I couldn't have said it better.  Having Lila here made our lives complete and Lila gave us something that we had wanted for so long, to be parents.  We go from having a glimpse of heaven to having our world crash down around us.  Every day I think of how to pick the pieces back up and so far I haven't found any answers.  The memorial, Lila's website and my tattoo have been steps forward and have been helpful but we are only months into a lifetime without our baby girl.  I just miss her. - Mike