February 6th

Today has been difficult, maybe unbearable at times. I didn't think this day would be so hard actually, but just like everything else in this grief process you just cannot predict how you are going to feel on given days. There are things about Lila's short time with us that I have chosen to not know or try to block out, such as the time that she died. I don't know what time she died, Mike does, I have chosen to not know it ever. I don't want to ever see that time on a clock and think of it, that terrible moment. Yet today I know, because it was the whole day. 

Two days before we had been told that Lila's mortality was not an issue. That the doctors were expecting her to live and we should prepare for about a 6 week stay in the NICU. Doctors do not know everything, they wanted the best for Lila, but they were wrong. Today was the day one year ago that we never saw coming. We had been with Lila all morning and then went to get lunch while she was looked over by the neurology team. When we got back they had us wait in the waiting room for a very long time, then brought us back into a small room. It was there that our world came crashing down. I don't need to go into all the details of what was said, we all know what happened. They basically said Lila would not survive much longer and there was not much left to be done for her and our whole world came crashing down. 

Pieces of this day haunt me, torture me, confuse me. I still do not understand what really happened to her. Why her? Why us? She deserved better. She didn't deserve this fate. She should be here living her life as a busy one year old. Not this. 

This picture was taken one year ago today and I love how she is touching her hands together. Lila is so amazing and beautiful. 

Last year on my birthday

I am not saying this to remind anyone, but my birthday is tomorrow (2/4). I have always been someone who loved celebrating their birthday, one year I think I made Mike celebrate it for the whole week. When we were pregnant with Lila I kept hoping we could share the same birthday. This year it isn't really relevant to me that much and I really don't want to make a big thing of it at all. Lila's birthday is the only one that matters. 

Yet last year I had the best birthday of my life. It was the day we got the "good news" that Lila was doing well and she seemed to be making a positive turn. She had her first bath and we got to hold her for the first time. It was the first time since she was born that we began to feel somewhat hopeful about her situation. Two days later it all came crashing down again, but for that day, my birthday, everything was good. Mike and Lila sang happy birthday to me together for the first and last time, and that was everything. 

Here are some pictures from that day. 

Lila's First Birthday

Today, Lila would have turned one. That sentence is hard to read. It still is so unbelievable and shocking that she is not here to have her first bite of cake. It doesn't seem like it has been a year, sometimes it just feels like its a matter of days since we last saw her. This is unreal.

Lila, we are dedicating this day to you and we hope that everything we do today will help to keep your memory alive make you proud. We love you Lila and miss you so much! - Mommy and Daddy

This week at work

I generally think about Lila a lot at work and I have several pictures around my desk to remind me how perfect she is.  I knew this week was going to be more difficult and I tried to set aside some mind-numbing tasks at work for me to do this week. I've found that it is easier for me to get lost in these tasks and time seems to go by faster.  But I've been running a lot of meetings recently so I couldn't spend my whole day on those tasks.  In a meeting today, during some lengthy discussion that I was not a part of, I was thinking about Lila a lot.  I was thinking about the day she was born, her crazy birth and how stunned I was immediately afterwards.  I was thinking of when the doctors said that I had to leave while they finished Jenny's c-section and that when I got back into the labor room, my family was completely split up.  Lila was down at the NICU, Jenny still in surgery and I was in the labor/delivery room.  I felt my mind race similar to like it was that day.  I probably could have cried, had I not snapped out of that thought.  These tough memories have been coming back more frequently recently and I have a vivid recollection of all of them.  I try to focus on the happy memories that I have of Lila, but I still get emotional over those because those are all I have of her. - Mike

We are going to…..

I don't know if everyone remembers, but at the beginning of the Lila stone project we said we wanted to get a picture of the Lila stone in every state. Then Mike and I would travel to the 50th state ourselves, no matter which state it was. Well it has been determined that in 2014 Mike and I will be going to NORTH DAKOTA!

Even if we do end up getting a picture from there, we will still be traveling there ourselves as it is the last state, but as of now we do not have one from there. We do not know much about the state, though I have read that it is the least traveled to state in the country. We are thinking that we will go there in the fall, as we know they get a lot of snow and the winter is not a good idea. I have been researching about it and read that it is the state that grows the most sunflowers which would be pretty to see. It seems to be an outdoorsy type of state that is also known for the bison they have there. Obviously Mike and I have never been to a state like this and know that Lila had a hand in all of this. She is making decisions for her Mommy and Daddy still to this day. She obviously wants her parents to experience a completely new place that they never would have gone to before without her influence. So we will go there and spend time remembering our sweet baby girl who we miss so very much. If you have any tips for traveling to North Dakota feel free to send them our way too.