Our Family

Whenever Jenny and I are out in public, I feel that people see us as just a normal, (relatively) young married couple.  People probably don't act this way in reality but that is how I feel people are viewing us.  This is hard to describe. It has almost been a whole year but everything is still so fresh in my mind and our lives feel frozen in time. We keep moving on but we do so without our baby. There is hardly a time when I'm out in public that I don't feel like I'm wearing a sign saying "My baby died and her name is Lila" around my neck and no one notices.  These feelings have seemed to intensify in the days and weeks leading up to Lila's birthday. Being so close to Lila's birthday, we are reliving the events that happened before Lila was born. We were so anxious and excited for our family to grow and it's impossible to think that we'll ever be that lighthearted again. I have the urge to want everyone who comes across us to know that we are much more than just a married couple. We are a family and we lost our most important part in a tragic way. -Mike

Lila Stone Request

A few nights ago Mike and I were going through the Lila stone pictures on our computer. On the MacBook Air you can make a slideshow out of your picture albums and it automatically adds some music. So we took all the Lila stone pictures and watched it as a slideshow. There are 701 pictures and it was amazing. All the pictures are so special to us. There are pictures of people holding the stone, pictures of just their hands holding the stone, pictures of dogs and horses with Lila stones, pictures of landmarks and flowers and so much more. It is really touching.

I am so glad we have these Lila stones to share with people because we feel like it helps people remember her and think of her. We know no one will forget about her, but seeing the pictures is the perfect kind of proof for us. A few days ago I got an email from a friend of a friend who had taken her Lila stone with her to Australia. That now means that we have Lila stone pictures from five of the seven continents (still need South America and Antarctica!) 5 of 7! I never thought that our little baby could inspire such a movement that has reached so many different countries and nations and yet she did. Later on that same day we got our first picture from Puerto Rico which was a total surprise, my favorite kind of Lila stone pictures are always the ones we have no idea are coming. 

701 times someone has thought to take a picture of something with their Lila stone and hopefully thought of her at the same time. This has helped us so much more than we ever thought possible. 

So this leads me to our request for Lila's upcoming first birthday on January 31st. Please send us a Lila stone picture on that day. We don't care if you are in a foreign country or in your kitchen. Get in the picture with your stone or take it out your window. It does not matter to us we just want to see them! I am not sure how Mike and I will feel on Lila's birthday. Right now it feels surreal to even be in the month of January. We honestly try not to think about what she should be doing and how we should be throwing her first birthday party because it is just too unbearable. We miss her so much and seeing those pictures on that day would be so helpful to us. Thank you in advance. 

Commercial

There was a commercial last year that came on in January that we loved seeing.  It was some weight watchers commercial and the song they sang had the words "Ooh, La La!" over and over.  We loved when it came on because it was so obviously close to saying "Ooh, Lila!" that we thought it was funny.  We imagined saying it to Lila when she got home.  That commercial seemed to be on at every commercial break on TV and we just thought it was neat that was playing so much when Lila was so close to getting here.

After Lila was born and her 8 days here with us, I remember thinking that I was going to dread seeing and hearing that commercial.  To my surprise, we never saw that commercial again for the whole year.  I was somewhat shocked considering how often it was being played but I chalked it up to Lila helping us out at our worst time.  

I guess we were not out of the woods because that commercial is now making the rounds again.  If you have watched at least 20 minutes of TV I'm sure you've seen it.  I now understand why it was all over the place last January.  It was the new year and everyone was starting their new weight loss plans as part of their New Years resolution to work out more (which I'm sure all worked for them).  It's not as rough right now to see them but it still hurts.  Lila was born on January 31st last year and every time that commercial comes on, I either turn the channel or mute the TV because it's just glimpse into how happy our lives were before Lila was born and how broken they have become.  - Mike

End of the year

2013 coming to an end is filled with so much anxiety. We survived the holidays and yet we still have to deal with New Years Eve and a whole new year upon us. It never ends, it keeps coming one thing after the next. This year was supposed to be the year that Lila was born healthy and came home with us. The year where we experienced all of her first things and saw her growing everyday. 2013 was supposed to be our best year as a family but it turned into the worst when we had to say goodbye to Lila. It is all so confusing. On one hand I think I should want the worst year of my life to end, but on the other hand, this year ending makes me feel much more distant from Lila. Time continues to move on. Lila's 11 month birthday is also tomorrow on New Years Eve. Just one month from her first birthday. Being in the year 2013 still makes me feel closer to when Lila was with us. Every year after this will all be without Lila and the weight that carries is too much to handle sometimes. Almost one year later and we can still just cannot believe this is what happened to our precious and sweet baby. We miss her so much. 

Ornaments

Out of the blue recently I received a text message from my good friend Jim in NYC. Him and his wife had been decorating for Christmas and made this little ornament out of one of their Lila stones. It was so touching and nice to see and meant so much to Mike and I. We know that people often think of Lila and will not forget her. The holidays are incredibly tough this year without Lila but learning about how some are incorporating Lila into their Christmas holiday is such a warm and special feeling for us. It was equally appreciated when we got another photo from my friend Rachel a few days later of her Lila stone also being made into an ornament. She made a nice little project out of it and told me she hung it high on her tree so her little boy, Lila's would have been friend, wouldn't knock it off the tree. I just love that. 

Last year's Christmas was filled with so much anticipation and excitement of how great this year was going to be with Lila here. We were going to do so much with her and probably drive all over PA and OH showing her off to everyone. She would have been the same age as I was on my first Christmas and I could not wait to see how she reacted to all the things going on around her. 

If you do think of us or Lila this Christmas, don't hesitate to let us know. It won't be bothersome to us, we would love to hear from you especially on such a tough day.