Lila's Christmas Surprise

Earlier this week Jenny told me that she donated some money to one of the Pittsburgh Pirates charities.  She said that they would select 40 people who donate for a private autograph session.  We never win anything but we still try from time to time.  Yesterday, Jenny got an email from a Pirates staffer telling us that we won!  And the autograph session wasn't with just any old Pirate, it was a private autograph session with Andrew McCutchen! 

The autograph session was going to be at Pirates Fest which is held in the Convention Center downtown.  We also got free tickets to enter, which was nice.  We got there early and walked around for a bit.  There was a fast pitch booth that a bunch of kids were doing.  You had to guess your speed.  I know that I can easily throw in the 70s so I guessed 71 mph.  They guy said that 71 was fast and I told him that I know.  I threw and the guy said it was 53 mph.  Well, there had to be something wrong with the gun.  The guy agreed that 53 was low for how fast I threw.  He gave me another try and the guy said it was 55 mph.  Instead of making a bigger scene, I just left knowing that the radar gun was wrong.  But rest assured, I can still throw in the 70s!

The signing was at 1 o'clock this afternoon.  After walking around for a bit, we got in line 30 minutes early.  McCutchen seemed to be running late because 1 o'clock came and went.  Jenny was worried that he wasn't going to show up and was getting nervous.  Finally, he arrived 30 minutes late and the line started to move.  I bought an authentic MLB baseball to have him sign and we got a blue Lila stone ready to give him.  When it was our turn, I gave him the baseball to sign first and congratulated him on a great season.  After that I showed him the blue Lila stone.  I explained to him that we lost our daughter, Lila, after only 8 days and that we had these stones made to remember her.  I also told him that the Pirates gave us a lot to look forward to each day and thanked him for an exciting season.  Jenny told Cutch that over 400 people have these stones and they send us pictures of them.  She said he didn't have to send us a picture but that we just wanted him to have one for good luck.  Jenny mentioned that Sidney Crosby has one too and he laughed at that.  As we were leaving, Jenny told McCutchen that his fiancé has the prettiest curly hair and to make sure that he tells her.

We also had a calendar signed.  We thought there would be pictures for him to sign if you didn't bring anything but there weren't.  We could get an autograph for both of us so we just had him sign a calendar we got in the goody bag.  Another cool aspect of this was that one of the Pirates staffers took Jenny's camera and took at least ten pictures of the whole encounter.  It was a pretty exciting day.  

There are only two celebrities/athletes that have Lila stones, Sidney Crosby and Andrew McCutchen.  They are arguably the two most popular and genuine celebrities and more importantly they are really good guys.  Sidney Crosby is one of the best hockey player in the world.  Andrew McCutchen is the NL MVP and helped end an epic 20 year losing streak for the Pirates.  They both have Lila stones.  How cool is that?!

We gave Crosby a Lila stone on my birthday and gave McCutchen one 10 days before Christmas.  Those are both difficult days to not have Lila with us.  I can't help but think that Lila had a hand in this.  Either she is a big Pittsburgh sports fan, or she is really looking out for her Mommy and Daddy.  Experiences like this are extra special for us and they really can lift us up.  On the ride home there was some very pretty Lila snow.  I think that was the final bow on Lila's Christmas gift to us. - Mike 

PS - if you look really close  in McCutchen's left hand in the bottom right photo, you can see the Lila stone!

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Stockings

We are doing as much as we can to avoid Christmas this year. We aren't decorating the house at all and we are doing are best to avoid Christmas songs and movies.  The one thing that I did want to do was to hang our three stockings together.  These are from Pottery Barn Kids and we bought one for Lila before she was born to match the ones Jenny and I have.  It's painful to look at our three names together and imagine the future Christmas's that will never be.  I can even see Lila trying to pull these down as soon as I put them up.  Below is one of my favorite pictures of me and Lila and is just one example of all the silly things we would have made her do. -Mike

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An Ornament and Poinsettia Flowers

Mike and I took an ornament and some fake poinsettia flowers to Lila's mausoleum the other day. We had two ornaments for Lila that we got from my parents last Christmas, but did not want to bring those ones as they are both breakable. So we went online and ordered a baby's first Christmas ornament that won't break and some Christmas flowers for our baby. We struggled with if we should do this at all. Is this the right thing to do? Is this the right thing to do for us? Should we even be acknowledging Christmas? Do we have any right to go online and buy a first Christmas ornament for a baby who will never see it? It all felt strange. And yet we did it and went and brought these things with us for a visit to the mausoleum. And it was so sad. It was torture. I think I said over and over again how "ridiculous" this whole situation is. Lila should be here with us, for her first Christmas, and for always. 

This is our reality now though. At the end of the day I am glad that Lila has some holiday flowers and an ornament with her. It felt like the right thing to do for us and her. We just wish this year was so different. 

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Oh, it's Christmas time...

There is no escaping it. Christmas is here. Two of my 6 radio presets in the car are already blaring Christmas music, one was playing it the week before Thanksgiving.  Two out of every three commercials on TV seem to be Christmas and houses are all decked out with lights.  These are all the more evident when you are trying to avoid everything Holiday related.  On the news today, there were reports of all the crazy Black Friday shopping.  There was a report about two guys getting arrested for fighting over a parking spot.  One guy pulled a knife while the other trumped him and pulled out his rifle.  That's the holiday spirit... Is this what Christmas has come to?  All we want is to celebrate the holidays with our baby. Instead we have to wade through all this nonsense in the news and deal with all the materialistic aspects of the holidays on top of that.  These are supposed to be happy magical times with family.  Without Lila, they are just painful to endure.  I miss my baby. - Mike

 

Changes

As we go throughout the year, there have been periods of time that are harder to deal with Lila's loss than others.  I've realized that it has a lot to do with changes and significant dates.  It's easier to anticipate these more difficult periods of grief when we approach days like Mother's and Father's Day, my Birthday, holidays, etc.  But there have been other periods since Lila passed that have proven very difficult and there really wasn't any warning.  They seem to happen around periods of change in our lives, such as the changes of seasons, another death in the family or the start of a sports season.  These are difficult to deal with because those experiences would have been firsts for Lila and we would have gotten to experience those firsts with her.  We would have dressed Lila up in cute dresses in the summer, had her play in the leaves in the fall and bundle her up until she couldn't move in the winter.  She had a Pitt football cheerleader outfit and I would have forced some Ohio State apparel on her as well.  You already know she would have been the cutest bunny for Halloween.  As we approach the holiday season these again would have been firsts for Lila.  Some of the most difficult aspects of grieving the death of your child are going through these experiences alone, without them.  What should have been joyful times with Lila now have a much different meaning. - Mike