Article….Yes..This

I read this article yesterday on the Still Standing online Magazine. I was blown away by how much I agree with everything the author is saying and wanted to share it here. I also put it on Twitter so some of you may have seen it already. This is how I feel, for the most part. It is hard to see other babies, especially ones that are close to Lila's age. She talks about her son's safe arrival, I believe that too, if we have the joy of bringing home a healthy baby again one day, it will not "fix" me. I will not be over losing Lila. People remembering Lila means everything to us. If I were to get 100 cards in the mail for a holiday, the ones I would remember are the ones that wrote out her name and talked about her. I think we have been lucky that most people do not "back away" when we talk about Lila either. People have been known to not bring her up, but if we do most people are okay with talking about her too. Bring her up. Talk about her. Always. 

 

Dear World, I Wish You Knew

APRIL 10, 2014 BY LARISSA GENAT

Dear World, I wish you knew that I will always miss my baby. It doesn’t matter how many days, months or even years go past, she will always be my baby and I will always miss her. Always.

Dear World, I wish you knew that it will always be hard to see other babies and children doing things that my baby never had the chance to do. Every first step, every first day at school, every “first” of other children tugs at my heart as I remember that my baby never had the chance to have any “firsts”. It hurts, dear world, it hurts.

Dear World, I wish you knew that my perceived lack of interest in your pregnancy announcements, birth notices or baby photos is in no way a reflection on you. I’ve had too many friends experience a pregnancy loss that my heart can no longer fully rejoice in pregnancy announcements. Instead I hold my breath and pray that your baby makes it alive. But when they do, and I see your happy photos, I cannot help but think back to my own photos. Those photos show a mix of love and sorrow and it hurts me to see that yours only contain joy. Please be patient as I learn to balance my sorrow with your joy. Please.

Dear World, I wish you knew that having another baby does not change any of the above. Yes, the safe birth of my son has brought great amounts of healing to my grieving mama’s heart. But I still miss my daughter and your child’s “firsts” are still hard. Pregnancy announcements still make me hold my breath and I’m still learning to be joyful at your birth notices and photos. I need you to understand that my son’s safe arrival has not fixed me.

Dear World, I wish you knew that it is ok to include my daughter. In fact, it’s better than ok, it makes my heart sing! Please include my baby when you count how many children I have and on Mothers Day, birthdays and other significant days, don’t think it will upset me to include her. It will do the opposite, I promise.

Dear World, I wish you could know the pain in my heart without having to experience it; perhaps then you would be more gentle with me. I wish you knew that baby loss is not something you can “catch” like a cold; perhaps then you wouldn’t back away when I speak of my daughter.

Dear World, there are a lot of things I wish you knew. But above all else, I wish you knew that my love for my baby will never fade.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/04/dear-world-wish-knew/

Spring

Spring is a hard time in this journey after losing Lila. For us it is the season that follows Lila's birthday season of winter. Last year I remember thinking that since spring was here Lila really was not coming home, because she was due in the winter, not the spring. No more Lila snow and no more coldness. A fellow baby loss mom said to me that for her it feels like spring is a time of growth and her baby is never going to get to grow up, which I felt resonated as well. There were a few days last week that just felt unbearable and I cried more than the past two months. Lila would have been 14 months old on March 31st. She should be here walking and talking and her own little personality would be shining through. She's not here and we still don't really understand why. What happened? She was healthy, she looks healthy, why isn't she here? It certainly doesn't get any easier with time, different yes, but not easier. The changing weather is just another trigger that time goes on and she should be here doing so many new things and she's just not. 

Donation's from Lila Stones

We were so overwhelmed with the support that we got on Lila's birthday that we wanted to give back a little.  There were so many texts, emails and Lila stone pictures that we so very touching and meant the world to Jenny and I.  After Lila's birthday party, Jenny and I decided to make a donation based on how many Lila stone pictures  we got on that day.  There were a total of 60 pictures and we doubled that and donated $120 to the March of Dimes.  We decided to make the donation today because Lila would have been 14 months old tomorrow.  We hope to use the Lila stone pictures that we get every year to make other donations in Lila's name so please keep sending them.  We love seeing them.  

Also if anyone plans on traveling to Antarctica, don't forget your Lila stone!  Antarctica is the only continent that has yet to see a Lila stone. - Mike

My phone case

When Lila was in the NICU, there was a gold heart sticker that was on her chest that monitored her body temperature.  I may have talked about it before.  When she was transferred to the Children's Home, they took off all the monitors when she got there and one of the nurses handed me that golden heart sticker.  Everything was moving so fast and I didn't have time to think of what to do with it, so I stuck it to the only thing that I had in my hand, the back of my phone case.  After Lila passed, I kept the sticker on there.  I had meant to put it somewhere that would last longer but I never took it off.  Part of me didn't want to rip it but I think the real reason that I didn't take it off was because it was part of Lila for the days that she was here.  So I kept it on.

There were times where it started to peel off and I stuck it back on or that I dropped my phone but the phone case just chipped.  This weekend, the case met it's undoing.  I dropped it again and it cracked in half.  I was more upset that I broke my case than I was that my phone could have been busted.  I had Lila's gold heart on my phone case for over a year.  It was the only thing that it had with me every day since she passed away.  I can't transfer it to a new case because it would probably get destroyed if I tried to take it off.  So in a last ditch effort I bought a similar case with the hope that I could use half of the new case and keep the back that has Lila's heart sticker on it.  We shall see if it works.  

This is an example of how precious certain items are to us.  We have only a limited amount of items to remember her with and we want them to last forever but have the understanding that not everything can.

- Mike

For a moment you forget

We had a contractor come out the other day to look at one of our windows in our house that needs replaced. If you have been to our house, it is the ugly stain glass one about the kitchen sink. Some people love it, while Mike and I both hate it and it has to go. The guy was nice enough so while he was here we asked him about the cost of replacing a few other windows that need some updating.

He walked into our sitting room and saw a picture of Lila that is on a table there. He asked Mike, "is that your baby?" To which Mike told him it was. Then he said, "is she sleeping upstairs?" 

Ouch. I, of course, overhead this whole conversation. The funny thing was that after he said it I immediately pictured Lila sleeping upstairs. Why not? She should be up there right? For a brief moment it seemed like she was up there where she belonged. In her house, in her crib. Just sleeping. 

Mike told him that we lost her in February of last year and of course he offered his condolences. 

It is times like that which sting so hard. Theres no way to avoid it, and really theres nothing to do but deal with it. And it will probably happen again someday, since we have tons of pictures of Lila all over the house. It certainly will never get easy to answer those questions though.