"Normal"

I was talking at work with someone today talking about how we are dealing with everything.  I was explaining to him how our definition of normal has now been forever changed.  Having a 6 month old Lila sleeping upstairs should be our normal but that world is gone.  Someone said to me before that we will get back to the people we once were.  That couldn't be farther from the truth.  

When Lila died, our world as we knew it was destroyed into a million pieces.  We are trying to pick up the pieces but we won't be able to put them back together the same way as before and there will always be holes in it.  Everything has a new definition to it.  The bars for determining if something is good or bad have both been lowered.  Before when I went running, it would be a good run if I went a certain distance or beat a certain time.  Now it's a victory when I get out the door to actually go running.  Just as having Lila in our lives was going to make everything that much better, not having her makes everything that much worse.  

Sometimes it's a good day if Jenny and I do more laughing about thinking what Lila would be doing in certain situations.  For example, I feel like Lila wouldn't care that I haven't shaved in a week but Jenny thinks Lila would hate my week old beard, which she's probably right.  Bad days always show their face and can bear the full weight of the loss of Lila.  But this is just another of the endless pieces we have to pick up and doing so will eventually bring us to a better place (I hope). - Mike

Target's club

There is a new Target that opened close to our house in March of this year. I remember finding out about this during the pregnancy and being excited to have a store so close. I would take Lila there to get things that she might need at the last minute, like extra diapers or baby shampoo or a new dress or something like that. I pictured myself going to this Target with her as one of the first places we would go together while Mike was at work. We would start off with going to low key places like Target and then ease our way into going everywhere else. We have not been to this Target at all until last night. 

It was fine walking in there actually. No babies around to torture me and it was pretty quiet. That is until we walked by the area where they sell all of the baby things. It suddenly hit me that a few months ago we would go to a Target or any shopping place and walk right over to that section devoted to babies. We would look at things for Lila, maybe buy her a hat or a new outfit, walk around with all the other pregnant people and babies around us. Now we can't even look at that area and walk by it as quickly as possible.

It feels that we were once part of a club that we no longer belong to. We were in that club of preparing for your child, buying them things, waiting for them to arrive, planning out your lives together. We were in this club of expectant parents who are supposed to wait 9 months for a baby and then bring that baby home with them for the rest of their lives. We were happy and anticipating our little girl who would bring us a lifetime of happiness and then sharing her with everyone else in our lives. Now that is all gone. 

I cant even walk into Target, or most places for that matter, without the reminder of that blaring in my face. Maybe we will be a part of that "club" of parents again one day, maybe not. Either way it doesn't really matter, we should have had the chance to take Lila to Target someday and we now we never can and it does not make any sense. 

Lila's Hair

I think we already talked about Lila's hair and how unique it was.  I haven't thought about it recently but today Jenny set out some pictures for me to take to work.  One of them is a picture of Jenny holding Lila with Lila wearing a white bow.  I took this picture at an angle looking at the top of Lila's head.  I put this one next to a picture of Lila from the front and it made me think about Lila's hair.  (The two pictures are below.)  Lila had such short hair in the front that it almost made you think that she was a completely bald baby.  SInce I have looked at that picture so often, it was conditioned in my mind that Lila had very fine short hair.  But Lila's hair was at least an inch long in some places on the back of her head.  I found myself staring at this picture a lot today.  She was so beautiful and didn't look weird or like an alien at all, like some newborns do.  She was perfect. - Mike

No Escape

Each day brings its own unique challenges.  We never know where it comes from or when it will hit but it always does.  Some days the challenges are small and manageable but others hit us like a ton of bricks.  

At the doctor's office today,  I was walking back to my car and I noticed four little kids in the small Honda next to me and no parents around.  At least the windows were down but none of the kids were older than 4 or 5.  I only saw one carseat in the car and the rest were using seat belts.  I got mad that someone would leave their kids alone like this and so I went to go find security.  I could have easily taken one of the kids if I were a horrible person, but I'm not.  I didn't get far when I saw the dad walking back to the car.  I wanted to say something to him but I didn't.  I like to think that he wasn't in there for that long since the car was locked empty when I parked my car but the fact remains that he put his kids in danger.  I would have never let Lila out of my sight.  I probably have been in situations like this before but they have a cruel twisted meaning now.  We can't escape it and these situations just act as another reminder of how much we miss Lila.  Hopefully we get to a point where these types of encounters don't hold the weight that they do now but it's hard to imagine when that day will come. - Mike  

Article I was featured in

Before Lila was born,  I remember reading on the What to Expect When You are Expecting website one day that they were looking for people who were pregnant or had a baby recently and were a type one diabetic. I could not believe it, because I love stuff like this. I liked to share my story and I was feeling so lucky with how well the pregnancy had been going. My diabetes was well under control (A1C's of 5.5, 4.7, and 5.1 in pregnancy) and my baby girl was doing great and thriving. Of course I wanted to share our story, we were what other people would want for themselves if they were also diabetic and wanted to have a baby. 

The diabetes should have been the only thing Lila had to fight off. It was the one thing hanging over her head that made her different from other babies, she had a diabetic mother. She had to deal with the swings of high and low blood sugars and make sure they did not affect her growth. She had to deal with the constant ultrasounds to make sure she was the right size, which she always passed with flying colors. She had to endure the twice weekly visits once we reached 32 weeks to make sure her heart rate was doing well. Mike and I knew she hated this too b/c she always kicked really hard when they put the monitors on me to listen to her heart. Of course she passed every one.  

This article is a sick and twisted reminder of how this baby should have only had to deal with the diabetes. That is fair isn't it? She had one thing hanging over head already. Why wasn' t that enough? Why wasn't that her only fight? She could have won that one, the diabetes had zero effect on her. She did not have a chance against the other one. 

 http://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/photo-gallery/pregnant-with-type-1-diabetes.aspx#