Videos

I have been putting off transferring videos that we took of Lila onto our computer for quite some time now.  I needed to do this to make sure we didn't lose them but I was procrastinating because I knew it would be difficult to watch.  The only video that I really knew that we took was of her baptism and besides that I didn't know what to expect. 

When I turned on the camera, there were many more videos than I expected.  We took a lot of videos on Lila's last day at the NICU and then I saw that there was one video taken at the Children's Home.  That video couldn't have been taken much more than an hour or two before she passed away.  I started watching it and it was as if it was just a normal family video.  Jenny was holding Lila and Lila was making cute little snoring sounds.  Just how our first days with Lila should have been.  I couldn't watch the whole video, it was too upsetting.  It was more upsetting to watch some of the other videos of Lila in the NICU.  It's just ridiculous that this actually happened.  These videos brought back some intense emotions and feelings and I have a feeling that they always will.  It's been 15 months since Lila was born and I'm still in shock that she is gone.  I don't know if that shock will ever go away. - Mike

 

Assumptive World

We have been discussing a lot lately with our grief therapist about how we all live in a very assumptive world. You assume that certain things are going to happen a certain way. You get pregnant, have kids, and those kids outlive their parents. This is what most people assume will happen for them someday if they want that, and it usually does. There usually are a few bumps in the road but, overall, a lot of people will live that lifestyle. 

We are very different in that our assumptive world has been shattered. We got married, had a healthy pregnancy, a baby was born, and she died at only 8 days old, and we don't really know why or how. This is what we know. This has changed how we perceive every aspect of everything in our life. Everything. No longer can we assume that everything will be OK because we know how bad things can end up. 

I think it is that concept that is the most difficult for people to understand if they have not gone through something like this. Most people feel like what we have gone through is tragic and sad, but over time it will "make sense" or that we will "get better." We have been forever changed by Lila's death. Our assumptive world now includes being blindsided by tragic and life-altering events. There is still joy in our life and happiness, we still do new things and explore our city like we once did, but there is also overwhelming worry and anxiety. This is not something that can be fixed, this is just how it is. 

When people come to visit us and leave again, I like to know that they made it home safely. I assume that if I haven't heard from them something bad has happened. Is it logical? No, of course not, but it is how I perceive reality now. I don't like driving more than I have to. I assume I will be in an accident when I didnt need to be on the road to begin with. I haven't been in any type of car accident in over ten years, but I feel that my risk is much greater than everyone else. After Lila died, one of her doctors told us that what happened to her was a "one in a million" type of thing. We have discussed this a lot. When something good happens to you that has a one in a million chance, like winning the lottery, you feel like the luckiest person in the world. So what do you do when when a one in a million event happens to you that is tragic and horrible? For us it has made us feel that those one in a million bad things will happen to us again and again. It has happened once, why not again? 

This concept of an assumptive world resonates so much with us and it helps to explain to us why it is so difficult for people to really understand what we are going through. As we go forward it will change over time, but it will always be something we think about. Our thought process on how life works is different than everyone else. It is not the same as anyone who has also lost a child or infant, it is unique to our situation. We just ask that, as time goes on, please remember this. Our assumptive world is much different than the one most people live in. 

North Dakota

Mike and I have said before that we feel that our North Dakota trip is all Lila's doing. Almost as if she wanted us to go somewhere we would have never gone before and experience things we would not normally have done. North Dakota was certainly a surprise to us as the last state to get a Lila stone picture and we are looking forward to our trip. We are thinking it will be in 2015. 

I read this article on thoughtcatalong.com about North Dakota and it is so interesting. Lila is now also educating all of us about this state that is the least traveled to state in the US. So many random tidbits that make us more and more excited to check out this very unique state. 

Some of the highlights are:

*North Dakota has a law where they cannot serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any restaurant or bar

*North Dakota has more registered vehicles than it does people living there

*It is illegal to dance in North Dakota while wearing a hat

*It illegal to take a nap in North Dakota while wearing shoes

(I am sure some of these laws aren't really observed but still!)

*North Dakota is the only state in the US that has never had an earthquake

You can read the article below:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/rob-fee/2014/04/30-little-known-reasons-why-north-dakota-is-cooler-than-your-state/

Easter weekend

Here we are upon another holiday weekend, and for us, it is the second Easter without Lila. Last year we did not even acknowledge the holiday, it was way too close to losing her and it is true what people say about the firsts of everything being the worst. Easter is one of those holidays that I had always envisioned going over board for her. She would have had an adorable little dress and of course a very girly bonnet of some kind. We always thought she would like bunny rabbits and that is always the type of stuffed animal we would buy for her. It would have been a great time to show her off and take her around to all of the family events. 

This year, is different, but certainly not any easier. She would have been at a great age to participate in events  while running all around and of course we would have gone overboard with dressing her up again. We have decided to acknowledge it, but will not be doing the typical Easter brunch or going to church. Small steps I suppose. This year we will be visiting Lila's tree, it is close to blooming and so very pretty this time of year. Then we will have a small dinner with my brother, maybe even make some deviled eggs. I was even thinking we might spread some of the pink glitter from her birthday around outside since it is supposed to be so nice out that day. 

Everyday is hard without Lila here, but there is something about the holidays that seem to throw it in your face that your child is missing. Hopefully by doing things with Lila in mind it will help ease the sadness a little bit. 

The picture below is of one of her bonnets, she actually did get to wear this one too. It was huge on her and looked like a flower with it on, but she got to wear it. I will be holding onto it all weekend.