Tomorrow

I did not think Fathers Day would be so hard on me as I am sure it is on Mike. I keep thinking of all the things Lila and I would have done for Mike. The pictures we would have taken, the typical gifts I would have bought him like a tie and shirt, the card I would have made Lila sign by wrapping a pen in her almost 5 month old's little hands and moved the card along.

Mike deserved to have this holiday spent with his baby girl. He was the best Dad she could have ever wanted. I may have spent more time with her during the pregnancy but he certainly spent more time with her while I was recovering from the c-section. When they let us hold her for the first time I wanted him to hold her first. I had her for 9 months, it was time he got to hold her. This picture is from that moment. He said he never wanted to put her down. 

He told me once that he still remembers the first time he saw her and how much he loved her and could not believe this little baby was really his. He said he did not know what she would look like, but when he saw her he realized that was of course Lila, big lips, dark hair and adorable.

My two girls

Since we've moved into the new house, we've gotten the newspaper everyday.  Not because that's the grown up thing to do but because we have 'an understanding' where we get the paper each day.  I've been taking the paper into work and reading it while I have some coffee.  Anyway, the past two days I read the comics and stumbled upon the comic strip "Big Nate."  As you can see Big Nate has been jumping back and forth between liking Lila and Jenny.  I enjoyed how Nate's Dad said that he was 'Sweet on Lila', it reminded me of this website, Sweet Lila.  I never read this comic before but I liked seeing Jenny's and Lila's names next to each other, my two girls.  - Mike

Saying Lila's name

I love Lila's name. I have loved her name since years before she was born. I knew the moment we found out she was a girl that it was the perfect name for her. The perfect girly name for the best baby. I knew when I saw her that it fit her too and that she looked like a Lila. I wanted to hear her say her name. I wanted to see her write her name. I wanted to introduce her to other kids and use her name. I wanted to see her write her cursive letter L's, it is the best cursive letter to write.

I want Lila back. Now all I get to do is say her name, aloud, everyday. Whenever I am by myself I just like to say her name so I can hear it, over and over. Its the least I could do for her. 

January or February?

I have thought a lot lately about the day Lila was born. She was due on February 15th, but I had a c-section scheduled for February 8th. We had really thought she was going to be a February baby. I had a suspicion that she would come earlier than the 8th, but we really had no idea. I had no braxton hicks and no reason to think she would come earlier, but I was sorta hoping she would come on my birthday of February 4th. This is why we were so surprised when I woke up on January 31st in labor. It was like she waited until the last possible day in January to prove us wrong and be a January baby. She was always tricking us and trying to prove us wrong. I wanted her to do this forever, she deserved that much. 

This picture is one we took after we got admitted to the hospital on January 31st. We wanted to show her what the weather was like on the day she was born. We wanted her to see that it was not snowing at all and if we told her later in her life that we had to drive in blizzard to get to the hospital on the day she was born that we were obviously lying.  

Thinking of Lila

This past week when I've been alone (mostly driving to and from work), I've been thinking about Lila and our experiences in the hospital.  I would think about the drive to the hospital as I was timing Jenny's contractions.  I thought about being in the operating room and being scared to death after hearing silence when the doc said the baby will be here in 30 seconds.  I thought about the first time I saw Lila and how I couldn't believe that this beautiful baby was mine and all the hope that I had that she would get better.  I remembered all the tests she had done, all the blood work and sitting in the rounds trying to learn more about Lila's condition.  I vividly recall one of the worst day's of my life when the neurologist told us the worst news only hours after we had one of the most promising mornings yet.  I remember the day that she died, holding her in my arms knowing that no one should ever have to experience this.

I've thought a lot about all the bad things but I forced myself to remember how beautiful Lila was, how big her lips were, how much tanner she was than Jenny and I and how comfortable I felt when I was around her.  I felt so calm being her dad.  It was what I was meant to do in life.  We think about what Lila would be doing now and we talk about what she would have done in certain situations throughout her life.  We smile and laugh at times when we think of Lila but I always get pulled back down to reality.  We miss our Sweet Lila so much. - Mike