Moved In

We have been missing in action these last few days as we have been moving into our new home. Plus we did not have our internet hooked up in the new house yet and it is not easy to write blog posts on our phones. The house has surely kept us busy and it is good for us but it is so sad to be here without our baby.​

I have found myself thinking about how great it is that the house is on a cul de sac as it would be safest for Lila to play outside this way. How big the backyard is for her swing set and a sandbox. The new bathtub would be perfect for her to play with bath toys in as it is so big. I can see her crawling around on the floor and looking out the front windows. The list goes on and on about all of the things she should be experiencing in this house and yet never will. ​

We put her crib in one of the guest rooms as we have no intention of taking her things down. The movers had to disassemble it so it would fit through the doorway, but one of them kindly put it back together for us so Mike would not have to do it himself. ​The room that it is in seems very peaceful and at times I have seen the sunshine coming in through the window and hitting the crib where should be laying. 

I keep thinking Lila will live in this house. That she will be coming home soon. That this is all not our reality. ​

Last Memorial Day

A year ago we were at a friends wedding in Erie and we had no idea that our lives were about to change.  Lila was conceived around this time last year and was the answer to our prayers.  I can't begin to describe the complete opposite emotions that this year is bringing compared to last.  When we found out about Lila's pregnancy, we had hope and joy and this year brings the worst case of grief and sorrow.  We were invited to a friends wedding this Memorial Day weekend as well but we weren't emotionally ready for it.  They are great people and sent us a picture of them holding a Lila stone.  This made Jenny upset but in a good way.  The fact that they were thinking of Lila on their special day is an amazing gesture to us.  We had made plans for this wedding, it was going to be our first event after Lila's birth.  It would have been hard for us to be away from her but ​it was just going to be one night.  Thinking about making plans like this with Lila seems so foreign right now.  It seems like a dream of a perfect life that we thought we could have.  From this weekend on, we'll likely think about what was happening last year as Lila grew from a zygote to an embryo to a fetus to the most beautiful and perfect newborn baby. - Mike

3 of us

Lately the same thought has been going through my mind over and over again. It is how Lila made us a complete family. She made our lives complete. She was everything to us and everything we have ever wanted. Without Lila we have lost everything essentially. If we had Lila and then had another baby after her, then that second baby would have been a blessing, but Lila was what made our family complete. ​Without her we are so empty. She gave us a reason to look forward to the future. We may look like we are going on with our lives. We go places and do new things and interact with others, but on the inside our life is shattered. She was going to be our best friend, our baby, a part of us, our buddy, our world. Now she is gone and we are so broken without her. -Jenny

Lila as a little girl

When we knew Lila could not live on her own, we were given many different things to have as keepsakes.  We took her nail file and nail clippers.  Jenny took Lila's vaseline and still uses it every now and then.  I have Lila's hospital bracelet in my wallet and I have a heart shaped sticker on my phone that was holding her thermometer in place.  

The NICU staff also gave us clay kits to make hand and foot prints.  I keep one at work with me and I was looking at it today.  It has both her handprints and footprints.  Her feet are on the outside and her hands are in the middle.  I image Lila standing on the clay and bending over to press her hands on the clay.  I laugh at this image but then I think that Lila will never get to stand like this.  Something so simple and playful that she will never get to do.  Again today I was driving home at lunch and I go by a school on my way and saw all the kids running around during recess and I found myself picturing Lila doing the same.  Recently what has been getting me more upset is thinking about all the things that Sweet Lila was not able to do and everything that she missed out on.  I just wish she had gotten the chance to live her life.  She was such a beautiful baby with perfect little features and I miss her so much. - Mike

Getting ready for Lila

It's been over a week since I last posted.  The biggest reason is because I've been waking up earlier for work so I could put more time into getting the house ready.  In spending so much time getting the house ready for our move-in date, Jenny and I keep thinking that we are getting the house ready for Lila.  As we put finishing touches on everything it feels like we are doing it as we wait for Lila to get here.  The room that is closest to being done is the room that we would have put Lila into.  ​The past year of our lives was dedicated to preparing for Lila and getting her here safely.  Losing your baby is such a horribly ridiculous thing.  I keep trying to think of an analogy to this but the only one that even comes close (and it's not really close) is that this is like running a marathon and tripping, falling a breaking your leg less than a mile from the finish.  You prepared for months and months and then have your dreams ruined by something that seems so preventable. - Mike