This site is the living memory of Lila Rupinsky, our beautiful daughter, who passed away at 8 days old. This is the story of our precious baby girl and how we are dealing with our infant loss.
The holidays, the winter, the month before Lila's birthday month….it all brings up so much sadness and pain. It does not help when everyone else is so joyful and in celebratory moods.
This quote feels like I wrote it myself. It is a constant battle to deal with emotions of being happy and in love with my little family I have here with me and sad and angry over the loss of our first born baby and the missing piece of our family.
This year will be our second Christmas without Lila. It is definitely different with Eve here, but the holiday season still brings about so much anxiety and sadness. Eve has brought us so much joy but we still have moments where we picture our life with Lila running around as Eve learns from her. That perfect life still taunts us and the Christmas season emphasizes Lila's absence. From Thanksgiving through Christmas the focus is Christmas. It was such a happy anticipation when we were kids but now the anticipation brings about so much anxiety about buying gifts and Christmas planning. We avoided much of that last year and it worked well for us but it is important to us that we make it normal for Eve. In doing that it opens up a lot of situations that we avoided last year. I know we will get through the holidays but after the holidays, we lead right into January and Lila's 2nd birthday. - Mike
On Thanksgiving a fellow loss parent put on Twitter how he feels that every holiday is a "realization" that his daughter is truly gone. It is a very true statement. It is one thing to go about your daily activities and not have your child here, but the holidays are especially difficult to deal with and just hits you in the face yet again that your child is gone.
This Thanksgiving marked our 2nd one without Lila. It went well because we did what we wanted to do and were able to remember Lila that day on our own terms. That concept is so very important for us and what made this holiday go well. We went downtown and picked up our catered Thanksgiving dinner. It was a nice and calm drive into the city because there is no traffic on holidays. The people at the restaurant could not have been nicer and made us feel welcomed to be there. Plus the man who delivered our food to our car was wearing a top hat and made us laugh. Then we went for a quick trip to Lila's tree. Of course Evie was sleeping in the car, but as soon as we got to the tree she was wide awake and looking around. We took pictures and enjoyed the fact that we were the only people on Flagstaff Hill that day, which has never happened before. We came home and decided to eat whenever we wanted to. Just a day of the three of us being together and remembering Lila of course. We then went over to Mike's Uncle's House for dessert and Evie got to meet some new friends. It was nice, it was calm, it was special for E, we did okay.
I was sitting at my desk at work and turned around to look out the window because I needed a distraction and falling from the sky was the gentle, light Lila Snow that we haven't seen since last winter. I texted Jenny to let her know that it was snowing at work and she said "same here, sigh." After reading the "sigh" I flashed back to the night that Lila died. We were driving in the car, after just leaving the Children's Home where Lila passed. I still remember Jenny mentioning how pretty the snow was that night and that it must be from Lila. That was the first time that we saw Lila Snow.
I usually feel good whenever I see Lila Snow because I like to think that she is reaching out to us and I feel close to her but today was different. Maybe it was because it was the first snow of the year which made me think of the first time we saw it. Perhaps it is another reminder of the upcoming holidays that give us such anxiety. I think a big part of it has to do with beginning another winter without Lila. When I was remembering that car ride while at work, I thought to myself, "how could something so pretty have been born on such a tragic night." I didn't like the idea of something being born on the night Lila died, but maybe this beautiful event that happens several times every winter is a great coping mechanism especially during such a difficult time of year for us. It can surprise us and It is something that we can connect with. We wouldn't have this yearly connection with Lila if we didn't see that first Lila snow that night. I like the fact that I have reminders of Lila during every winter. It makes me look forward to this time of year, even if I'm not the biggest fan of the cold. -Mike
Mike and I have been meaning to write this for a long time, but we thought we'd figure it out on our own and just have not yet! We wanted to thank the person who left a small angel doll at Lila's mausoleum for her. It was brought there a few months ago and we do not know who left it so we have not been able to thank them properly! So if you are out there and you left it for her, thank you so very much. Thank you most of all for visiting Lila's mausoleum. We do not get there enough on our own but it means EVERYTHING to us to know that other people are visiting.
The truth is that I wish more people would go on their own more often. It is really sad for me to go to the mausoleum. Her picture is there and she looks so perfect in it. Seeing her name written in stone is just so final for me. It is so upsetting and I've never left there without crying for my baby. But I would like other people to visit her, I don't want her to be alone if that makes any sense. I know a few people who go on their own and have told me that and I have brought one sweet friend who asked to go with me. That is so special to me. So if you've thought about going before please do. If you go alone there is a code to get into the building so just ask me. Or ask to go with me.
Lila's mausoleum spot only has a small vase to leave her things. So Mike and I like to switch it up every so often to bring her different things. If you leave her something and it is no longer there, it is because Mike and I have brought it home and put it with all the rest of Lila's things. We will probably bring it back at some point or another. Right now we had to make room for the fall colored flowers we wanted to bring to her.
