A few things going on

I thought Id write a few random thoughts going around in my head lately... 

 *We are up to 32 states with the Lila stones, I never thought we would get more than PA, OH and NY so this is an amazing feat. Thank you for everyone who has helped us with this project, it means so much to us to see your pictures.

*If you do not have a Lila stone and would like one, let me know

*Mike and I are throwing around the idea of going to the last state to get a Lila stone picture no matter where that is. Right now we still need Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Idaho, Iowa, Kentucky, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Washington and Wyoming. Though we do have some people who are already working on those states as we speak so we shall see which state it is!  

* We are still brainstorming what to do with Lila's Memorial Fund money. As of right now we have bought a tree in her name in Schenley Park in Pittsburgh. We want things that we can put her name on for years to come, we just do not know what the right move is yet. Plus we like the idea of doing something every year so we may take our time on it as well.  

*This house that we are living in now is a great distraction for us, but a constant reminder of the silence that lives here without Lila. There is a room for her, we can see her living here, her pictures are on the walls. All we ever wanted was to hear her crying in our home and she was so close to giving that to us. Whoever came up with the saying "silence is deafening" is very right.  

*I cannot believe people who want their baby so badly can lose him or her when people who do not want babies have them all of the time.  

*We have people lined up to come visit us in July, but I am worried about the 4th of July wknd. That is one holiday where Mike and I sat and watched fireworks last year and talked about how we'd have a baby with us this year. I am not looking forward to that holiday at all. I wish it would skip us this year.  

*I am so glad I closed out my Facebook acct. If I had to read one person complaining about their kids on there I probably would go off on them. I am also so glad I kept my Twitter acct open because it has allowed me to connect with a few really great people who sadly also have lost a baby. 

*Mike is still working part time a few days a week as he slowly eases back into full time. His work has been amazing and the kindness of his coworkers to donate vacation time to him has been unprecedented. No one knows what it is like for me to be alone and with no desire to get a job right now having Mike with me is the only thing that helps.  

*Sometimes it feels like Lila is still on her way and that this is just some bad nightmare. That I am still pregnant and she hasn't been born yet. If only that were true.  

A few random thoughts I've been having...

Today as I was walking out of work, I got a flashback to Lila's last ultrasound.  I remembered sitting in the waiting room with Jenny.  Lila was 36 weeks along and we were so excited to finally meet her and were anxiously waiting the day that she would come.  When I think back to that time, it's one of the last times when we were a truly happy family.  Since Lila was born and only lived 8 days, some can say that we were only a family for 8 days but that's not the true.  We were fully invested in our family of three when we found out we were pregnant with Lila last June.  From that moment, everyday was dedicated to protecting and planning for that family.  The foundation of our family was built during the pregnancy and was shattered when Lila left us.  I want to go back to that last ultrasound where everything was still OK and that foundation was as strong as ever.  Now everyday we try to pick up one of the million pieces that our dream was shattered into.  Eventually we will have picked most of them up but we will never be whole again, we will never be the same.  That foundation will remain cracked and shattered.  Right now the thought of being happy is so foreign because how can we be happy when Lila died?  I feel that the only way that we can be happy again is if that happiness is accompanied with the lifelong grief of losing our baby. - Mike

This wknd

I noticed this weekend that we had something to do at all times. My parents dog stayed with us this week and they came to pick her up with my Aunt and Uncle on Sat morning. We got to show them around the new house and talked with all of them for a little while.

Then on Sat afternoon a  good friend of mine came to visit and brought her dog and also spent the night. We went out for a nice dinner and then sat on our back porch and talked. It is nice to have someone staying with us, especially someone who is so helpful to us.

Today my brother and another friend came over and helped Mike take down an old fence that was in our backyard. Then we grilled out and watched the Pirates game. The whole weekend was accounted for and we had people around us at all times.

This is what we need. People keep asking us what they can do to help. You can visit us. You can reach out to us. You can send us an email.  Lila was supposed to be with us all day everyday and now it is just us. We need people around us at all times. People that will just listen and will talk about Lila. We need to talk about her and we will. 

The reality of losing Lila is the most unbearable pain there is, but it is worse when we are alone because it was supposed to be the three of us and now there are only two. 

4:22

Lila was born at 4:22 PM on January 31st, 2013.  That time of day will always be a special time of day for me.  I started going in earlier to work so that I could be out by 4:22, as opposed to 4:30.  Shortly after Lila died, I set an alarm on my phone to go off everyday at 4:22 PM.  I seem to never expect the alarm when it goes off but when it does I think of Lila.  It's like she is contacting me everyday at 4:22.  It's always interesting to see what I am doing at that time every day.  A few times, Jenny and I were discussing something about the house and had differing opinions when the alarm went off and I say to Jenny, "See! Lila agrees with me."   A couple times I was painting and had paint all over my hands and I couldn't turn the alarm off so it rang for a few minutes until Jenny was able to get to it.  If Lila were here, this is what it would have been like for me to drop everything when she started getting fussy or crying.  4:22 is a special time of day that is only Lila's because whenever the alarm goes off, I stop what I'm doing and think about our beautiful little girl. - Mike

Father's Day

Last Father's Day, Jenny was pregnant with Lila but nobody really knew.  I remember thinking about what this Father's Day would be like and how much I was looking forward to what Jenny was going to do with Lila on that day.  Jenny has a knack for making days like this feel extra special and I knew she would make this day a great one.  It's still a shock to us that Lila is gone.  I wish every day that she were still here.

Today I wore my Ohio State shirt, the one that matches Lila's onesie.  If Lila were here, every time I'd wear this I'd try to make sure that Lila was wearing hers as well.  I feel like I would have done that often and would probably embarrass Jenny and Lila a few too many times but I wouldn't care.  I went to the grocery store today to get some steaks for our new grill and imagined pushing Lila around as I get everything on the list.  I'm sure people would have come up to us and gush over how cute Lila is and how she has such big full lips.  Having my little girl with me when I do everyday, mundane tasks like this would make them priceless.  Going through everyday without my Sweet Lila is awful but going through today without her when we should be celebrating just adds fuel to the fire.  This life doesn't get any easier, but I heard from a lot of friends and family today and that made it a little more bearable.  It's hard to be thankful for anything now-a-days but I am thankful for that. - Mike