Anger

I find myself getting pretty angry a lot of the time.  Angry for the obvious reason, that Lila died and should still be with us.  But I think the other reason is that I feel that most people in this world take life for granted.  I'm not really talking about people we know but more about just people I see out in public.  I see people interacting with their kids and I sometimes see them get looks of annoyance for having to deal with them.  I want to walk up to them and tell them that my daughter died and to appreciate what they have because it can get stolen at any minute.  I just get the feeling that the people that I randomly come into contact with have no idea how bad things can really get and how lucky they really are.  

When I'm in public, at the grocery store or going to work, I have a scowl on my face that has to be noticeable to people.  I don't go out of my way to see or talk to people and want to get in and out of places as quickly as possible, to spare myself from seeing something I'd rather not.  Like when I went to the grocery store this weekend and the first thing I saw was what looked like a teenager with her mom.  She turned around and had a baby girl hanging from a baby carrier.  Perfect.  We had one similar for Lila and I told Jenny that I would proudly carry Lila in that wherever we went.  The worst thing about the grocery store is that you usually see the same people over and over again and you make your way through the departments, which is what happened here.  I get angry when I see people living the life that Jenny and I should have had with Lila.  You can call it bitterness or jealousy, which it probably is, but Lila should have gotten a chance to live and experience everything we were going to show her. - Mike

Any given moment

Things can change at any moment to make a good day turn bad and you almost always never see it coming as was the case the day Lila was born.   The morning started out with such promise and excitement when we woke up and Jenny was having contractions, we were finally going to meet Lila.  But at 4:22 pm when the doctor said that "there will be a baby here in 30 seconds," and we didn't hear anything for what seemed like an eternity, the day we had anxiously waited for turned out to be nothing like we had expected.  The moment that we did not hear Lila scream was a turning point in our lives.  We are now almost six months down a road that no one should have to travel.

On a much smaller scale, Sunday had one of these moments.  We did a little work around the house and then had some good friends come over.  They brought dinner and stayed for a while and we had a good time with them.  After they left, Jenny and I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood.  When we got back, our neighbor was out and she started to talk to us and ask us how we like it so far.  It was a good conversation.  She also knew we lost Lila.  Towards the end of the conversation she said "did I mention that my daughters are expecting?"  I said "Really?!" in my mind.  Not one but both of her daughters are expecting babies.  Just what we wanted to hear.  I knew Jenny was just as stunned and upset at this as me so I tried to end the conversation quickly.  To make things better, one daughter, a grown adult, still lives in the house with her husband.  That basically ruined our day and made Jenny upset for the next day or so.  After Lila died, we try so hard to shield ourselves from anything baby related and now we get the news about our neighbors.  The only good thing, I guess, is that there are no windows on that side of our house.  So hopefully we get shielded a bit from that. - Mike

4th of July for us

Today has been an okay kind of a day. We had some people over and grilled out on Mike's new grill. We watched the baseball game on tv and washed the cars in the driveway. Once everyone left we watched a movie and unpacked another box or two.  

It is when you let your mind slip to how good it could have been that the sadness comes in. We had a bib for Lila to wear today and of course a dress which I am sure would have meant a matching bow for her hair. We remember last year and how we sat and watched fireworks from our apartment. We were lucky to be close enough to see two different displays so we didnt even have to go anywhere. We talked about how different it would be next year with a baby, how much better it would be. We sat there last year and thought of our future 4th of Julys with this new little person by our side b/c that is what we had believed was going to become our reality.

This reality we are living now is not one we wanted or one we ever saw coming. We know it is our reality but those loud fireworks outside our window dont serve as much comfort to us, only as a reminder of what should have been. 

Lila's Room

Today I was putting up blinds in the room that we would have put Lila in.  I haven't spend much time there but we put the crib up and her white dresser that holds most of her clothes.  This room was actually the first one that we finished.  The only thing left is to install new outlets and a light switch.  Just being in there made me realize how comfortable a room that it is and how ready we were to take care of her.  The light we put in there is a very warm and soft light.  It definitely wouldn't have woken her up if we checked in on her.  When I took the picture below, I could just picture one of those rocking chairs and sitting in there with Lila getting her to calm down.  I like these thoughts but they are even more painful to know that they will never happen.  I get so many glimpses of Lila growing up doing things that every kid gets to do. Lila should have grown up in that room and never got the chance.  - Mike

5 months

Lila would have been 5 months old tomorrow (June 30th). Though since her birthday is on the 31st of January, it makes her month birthdays confusing since they dont all have 31st days, we just assume it would be on the last day of each month. Technically she would be 21 weeks though so that is where it gets tricky since she is sorta already 5 months. She should be here doing what 5 month old babies do. She should be sleeping in her crib right now and we should be sleeping already knowing that she would probably wake us up at 6 am. And yet here we are, alone and longing for a baby that deserved the best and longest life possible and was never given that opportunity.